this is what addicts do:
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
You cannot get him to realize how messed up he is and get him to change that. You work on can changing yourself though. Counseling is a good start. Reading here is a good start. Books about co-dependency are a good start (like Co-dependent No-more by melanie beattie.) Alanon meetings are a good start.
You keep asking for reassurance that it's not you. Well this isn't about him. He's just an addict doing what addicts do. This is about you. It's about what you need to feel better about yourself and worthy of love.
Give yourself some credit. Change isn't easy. We just need to take babysteps in the direction we want to go.
What's one small thing you can do for yourself today that will help you get to where you want to be in your life?