I used to post here a lot on the Family of Alcoholics Forum, but have been reading both forums the last few days and since C is also a meth user, I thought it would be more appropropriate to post here.
I have been with C for almost 5 years now. He is an alcoholic/meth addict. It has been an off and on relationship, like a lot of them. He is emotionally/verbally abusive, and has been physical (which he was incarcerated for). After much anger management/classes, C has not been physical with me anymore, he usually will leave before he gets to that point. He never hit me, but has shoved me. I have been the crazy codie who dabbles with recovery, and gets so far with it...then I go back. This last time, I stopped posting on any forums because I figured it was a waste of time...I wasn't recovering. I gave up, basically, because I knew I wasn't ready to leave. I still don't know if I am, but I am trying my best to at least do something different. I have appointments next week, one with an outpatient therapist, the other with a counselor/physician who can hopefully help me with medicines. I have taken 2 anti-depressants over the last few years, and stopped taking both. I have tried 2 counselors over the course of the relationship...one who told me I wasn't "codependent" and that she didn't think codependency is even a real sickness. The other one...idk she wasn't for me...she basically told me I need to break free of this and that I deserve better, but my issues are so much deeper. I have tried Al-Anon...I don't think the meetings are for me.
I typed this up the other day, I guess just journalizing, so this will be my post. In some aspects, I have come a long way in my recovery, but in others, I am in exactly the same position. I try so hard to understand him, and why he does things...because I want so desperately to believe it's not me. I have a hard time with codependency, because it makes me feel like I am a flawed woman, and if I wasn't codependent, could I make this work with him? Messed up, right? So right now, he is not living with me, and we have minimal contact. We are doing the usual "game". He is acting like his life is fine, being all cocky, and I am trying to be strong, but in some sense still wanting to have hope. About a year ago, when I "kicked him out" (crazy codie)...he started seeing a woman 2 days later. I was devastated!!!!!! Crushed, just beside myself with misery. A month after, he came back to me (and I LET him). We started having problems, he went back to her AGAIN, then came back to me AGAIN. I have NEVER gotten over that, and still have some very raw emotions about it.
I am feeling very strong at the moment about being done with C, but I have been in this position before...and I think when I go back to him (after he promises to change), I always have it in my head that if I "try harder" and be the best I can possibly be that things will work, that somehow things will fall into place. A week ago Monday, C was "working" with xx until 10:00 at night, I was furious (and with the intuition that he is using meth again), I called him and told him not to bother coming home. I think I probably overreacted, but I felt disrespected and hurt, and knew it would just be a big fight and I would come out looking like the crazy one, as usual. So all last week, it was the same game playing that we do. He would call me, I would pretend to be strong, and he would be mean and I would say I was sorry. Anyway, I was really sick over the weekend, and C wanted to go out Sat. nite. I told him no, I was sick and if he loved me he would come over and spend time with me. That was a mistake, he came over but was a complete ass to me. He was so cold hearted, unaffectionate, and uncaring. I could tell he didn't want to be there, it's like he just didn't even care. So Sunday morning, my mom came to get my son to take him to my gramas, and she told us about the ambulance being out at his mom's. So C called his mom and she said "I think we just lost your uncle" and hung up, so C had me take him out there. I know he was upset, but he was being so ****** to me, I felt like ****, I felt like nothing, I was so uncomfortable around him, or being at his mom's. He didn't want me there, he was being so horrible to me. I waited in the side drive for him to come out, and xx pulled up behind me. He came out of the house, didn't even say one word to me, and went right to xx's truck, then leaned over and asked if I cared if he worked with xx. (after all, that's where the drugs are!!!) I went off...I told him he can live at xx's for all I cared, that I am sick of it. I went home and packed his things, and called xx to tell him to tell C to send someone for his things, whenever. I didn't hear from him until late Sunday night, he was crying, a mess, telling me about his uncle...that they were waiting to pull the plug. I told him I was sorry, tried being there for him as best I could. Then nothing again from him until after 11 last night, I was in bed sleeping. I had called earlier just to tell him I was sorry and try and be an adult and be there for him, but he was at the bar. So when he calls, he is a drunken mess, a mixture of yelling at me, crying, blaming me for our relationship problems down to how I'm not there for him, and how I haven't had to deal with losing someone close yet...I about lost it...he knows I lost my husband to cancer, he died in my arms). I was so furious and still tried to "be there". Finally, I had to hang up. He called back a couple times, I answered once more, then was done for the night. I am just struggling with all of this so much. He is just so lost in his addictions and doesn't care who he hurts or what he loses. I can't wrap my mind around how he can be so cruel to me, and still BLAME me. I admit I have been depressed and probably not the perfect "girlfriend", but I have tried, and tried, and nothing works. No matter what I do, he still is never happy with me. And I believe his stupid ****, I mean I find myself second guessing myself all the time. Maybe if I would have....and then I rehearse all these things in my crazy head, things I should have done. Last night he said that I don't care about him, don't love him. If he doesn't know that I love him, I wonder what makes him think I keep going back? Pure insanity.
I want desperately to feel that it isn't me, that I am not just some psycho bitch like he says I am...I desperately want to believe that I am a good person, and that I tried my best and that it isn't my fault.
I went to counseling 2 weeks ago and cancelled last night's appointment, but I don't think the lady is the one for me. I think it's going to take a special one to help me figure out why I can't respect myself, or love myself....and so far can't find one.
Sometimes I think I should have tried harder. He brought up to me last weekend how we never go out and do anything together. By "going out" usually he means going to the bar . And I always just wanted to be home, I think because that is where I feel safest. I never wanted to go to the bar with C, and found myself just not caring and having a hard time giving anything. And so then I get this feeling of it being my fault...if only I cooked more, if only I paid more attention to him, if only I made him feel better about himself. He has such a way of turning things around to it ALL being my fault. I want to believe in my heart that had he put real effort in, I would have put all that effort in as well.
And now on top of everything I feel, none of it good...EVER, I get to feel guilty for "not being there" for him when his Uncle died. I feel bad, but when he lost his dad, I went through pure hell with him. I can't do it again, I can't. It is just an excuse for him to treat me horrible (which he does anyway!). But I wish I could find a way to escape this depression, I can't remember the last time I felt happy, or excited, or truly good, I feel so trapped, And I get so frustrated that he is able to put up such a show for everyone, he always appear so cool, calm, and collected when everyone is around. And now it will be "oh poor C". It will be all about him.
And then the horrible thoughts...after all I've went through, if I don't cave and take him back, if I'm really strong and move on, he will just find some woman (one who hasn't been emotionally drained for the last 5 years), and charm her and start all over. He will move on like I don't exist....like I am nothing...and she won't know any better, and she will have a fresh mind and be able to give him everything I can't....and then I will be dealing with that hurt. WHEN DOES THIS HURT EVER END??????
I still love C, and I think a part of me always will. I wish I could escape my own ridiculous thoughts, my emotions and feelings. How can he be so cold hearted??? I know he has pain, or else he wouldn't drink. But when will he get to a point of accepting responsibility? I mean really accepting that he messed up, not just saying it?
I honestly don't know how much more I can take! I want to be be happy, I want to be strong, but he has such a hold on me, he controls my every thought and emotion and I want away from it.
I am sorry for this being so long ~
The crazy codie,
sodetermined
