Hi Cupido
Welcome to our board - glad you found us :-)
Posting here has helped me work through and come to terms with so many things in my life.
I hear what you say about your expectations of your mother - even though I have come a long way, I sometimes have expectations of how she should behave. This usually crops up at difficult times when I need support.
The difference now is my awareness - when the expectations raise their head, I acknowledge them (sometimes I feel pain and disappointment that my expectations won't be realised) and then I move on without engaging with her. I have learnt that to engage in the hope that I will experience unconditional motherly love and support is futile. It is something that this woman is incapable of providing - it is always ALL about her.
During our confrontation, I was explaining how it felt to live as a child seeing and experiencing verbal & physical abuse and neglect. Even then, she couldn't acknowledge my pain - she spewed out how bad it had been for her, how she had been all alone, how she had no-one to support her. She couldn't / wouldn't accept that she had responsibility to her children and that she was 50% accountable. I saw her for what she was, a child who had never grown up, a child who should never had had children.
Sometimes I feel there is a great big hole in me, I never had a mother or a father but the good news is I no longer go looking to her to be the mother I need. I am learning to be my own mother - I tell myself I am doing well, that I am proud of me, that everything is going to be okay. I interact with people who give me positive help and support without judgement or expectation - this is also a new experience for me as life with AF and codie mother was always loaded negative emotions. It feels funny typing this at 44 and life still feels strange looking at it without ACAO blinkers but it is good, I'm moving forward with my life, I am no longer enmeshed.
I hope you keep posting. Take care,
IWTHxxx