Illogic
I've learned a lot over the last couple days... not lessons I'm supposed to, I'm sure, but a lot nonetheless.
I oughtta start this by saying, I'm not looking for sympathy, or anything along those lines. Actually, I might only be posting this to see what I'm like further on down the line...
Tuesday I got sick, just some random flu or cold (don't know really) and it's knocked me to my knees. I went into a local bar, thinking a shot of whiskey might 'cure' me long enough to get through the week, which in my case only goes to Thursday. New policy, they only serve beer, and a Newcastle didn't cure me. A trip to the grocery netted me a bottle of bourbon, which was only the beginning, of course.
I've done more shameful things in the last two days than I can remember having done in the last five years--but I'm pretty sure that's just selective memory.
And tonight, I'm about to run out of liquor again, and most of me is happy for that, thinking that it's good, I can get back on track with my sobriety (never did make it past about 20 days) and get back to feeling good. And another part is saying, another bottle'll get me through the night.
I don't know what to think--I know my thought process is messed up by the whiskey, but I know what I've heard all day today, too. I'm a college student, and fairly involved in campus life. Homecoming parade and all, and I ran into a lot of people today, every one of them forgave me for missing yesterday, because I was sick. I could make that up all the time... I'm always sick, right? Or drunk.
All I need to do today is not go back and get another bottle, and I swear, common sense doesn't seem to make a lot of sense to me anymore. What the h- has happened...
I know why I should stop drinking, and I want to be stopped drinking. Just not sure how to get to that second one. I try to quit, and I might go a couple weeks, and it's right back on the bottle and right back to feeling bad about it. I hear on these threads that it's the alcoholic in me saying that, and that's fine by me, but is there another way to make me stop? I know it's gotta come from me--I'm a knucklehead by profession, long before I became a student. The thing I don't understand is that no amount of logic/ emotion is allowing me to consider a life alcohol/substance-free.
I thank y'all if y'all got this far, and I apologize for just never making it. Sometimes, I wonder if it'd be better if I just went away, because I'm no good at quitting drinking anyways... But if it wasn't for SR, I wouldn't even be able to say I had made 20 days. To say there's no support in my life would be inacurrate, I reckon, but to say that anybody besides me (and y'all if so) thinks I have a problem... well that would be a lie. They don't know about all the bottles, and that's only because people seem to have an interest in not looking too hard... I don't hide them. It's an invisible problem in broad daylight.
Well, I got a half hour before my next event, and I'll be alright for it, not good by any stretch of the imagination, but this is how my life is lived. All I gotta do is smile, right?
I hate lying, and that's all I'm doing. Lying in life. Sick of it, and here I am, at the end of this post and most likely headed south again...
Take care y'all,
-TB