Firstly, welcome to SR!!!!
And, thanks for sharing.
I'll give the first two questions a whirl:
1) Is it possible to recover when you are in a relationship with an active alcoholic who does not want to recover?
From stories shared here and at AA meetings, it is really not an uncommon problem at all. And, yes, I've heard many stories of people recovering with non-alcoholic partners who drink as well as alcoholic partners who drink. Do you think your husband would be willing to make some changes for you? He can and obviously will continue to drink because it is
your sobriety...not his, but he should show some support for you as your partner. My husband and my older son are not alcoholics but kept (and still keep, under lock) a sizeable supply of liquor in our home.
This was a frustrating problem for me in early sobriety and it took a while for them to comply with my request to keep their liquor locked up. Now, there is a locked liquor cabinet in our livingroom and a locked refrigerator in our basement. (Combo locks: keys didn't work, I always found them.....) There were many bottles of liquor poured down the drain, many nights when I left the house angry, without cooking dinner, and said I'd come back when the liquor was gone...or, I didn't know when I would come back....many discussions, some arguments. Sigh...and a few relapses for me.
It wasn't an easy process, it took time, more time than I would have preferred, but on the other hand, my husband was not really working against me: he just didn't have a clue how difficult it is for me to have alcohol in the house. I would suggest that you have a discussion with your husband and ask him to keep his liquor locked up when you begin your sobriety. I bought a cheap cabinet, drilled holes in it, put all the liquor inside...and put a lock and chain on it. I didn't wait for him to do something about it...
2) How do you begin to find your self identity? I ask this because I simply have no idea who I am or would be if sobriety was a regular event for me.
Your identity will come out naturally in sobriety, you really won't have to look for it! I notice you mentioned your husband again and you wonder how will things go if he continues to drink and you don't. Wow, I sure hear myself in that remark. I was worried about the same thing. One of the things I've learned in AA is to learn to avoid projecting the outcome of things, because really....we simply don't know what is going to happen, do we?
Yes, your marriage could end. Or, you might be surprised to see that your sobriety will affect him positively. My husband still drinks, but he has cut down signifigantly since I quit. I never expected that to happen...
Your third question...I'll have to leave that for those who have experience with that.