Hi IWTH,
I just had the opportunity to follow a couple of your posts. First of all, thank you for sharing your experience; you have really come a long way and it is very inspiring to see how you have acknowledged the problems and safeguarded your own personal development at your own pace.
I find that co-dependency is a very sneaky issue as discovering the underlying causes is like opening a Pandora's box. Once you acknowledge it, you end up realizing that it dates way back to a time that you cannot even clearly remember and all of a sudden every dysfunctional piece in your life begins forming a clear picture. Unfortunately, I still struggle with the fact that I have been quite blind for a long time (I have always tried to be honest with myself) and I feel the way I feel because our interactions with my mother almost programmed me to do so.
I look forward to a day when I can wake up feeling calm and at peace just like you said, focusing clearly on my life instead of trying to save my mother constantly. Truthfully, I am quite tired of trying to communicate with her and show her what she is so resistant to see but now I am realizing that this is not my job. It brings along too much guilt and too much self-criticism when I fail repeatedly as I cannot control her actions. I am constantly scared to upset or hurt her but I cannot protect her from her own actions and decisions! However, I still cannot come to terms with not having any expectations, for some reason I remember a better time (although I am doubting if that is an illusion in my head)!
I am not ready to confront her again (I remember pouring my heart out to her including how she has been making me feel for a long time now - only to hear that I am exaggerating things) although I have made it clear that I am not going to be involved when she uses me as an anchor and offload all her baggage, to keep doing what she does and have me watch her from the sidelines while she takes her own decisions that end up hurting her. I know this is our pattern and one of us has to put a stop to it. I just hope I can figure out the boundaries I am comfortable with and let go off my expectations.