Step 1
My thoughts on Step 1. Today is my first day working the AlAnon program.
One other member said sometimes it helps to read the steps in separate parts and that really helped me with step 1!!! I can easily see that my life is unmanageable because of my ABF's drinking, however the other part of step - admitting I am powerless when it comes to whether he will decide to drink or not (he is 11 days sober right now) -- is a huge challenge for me. I guess like many here, I learned to become a complete control freak because I was the one who has had to hold things together...the house, finances, the baby, the relationship...and that has spilled over to me trying to micro-manage his drinking too, being on high alert for the next incident or late night. It is SO hard to try to not control his behavior, but over the past two days I've done the following things in an effort to accept I am powerless and in an effort to try and stop certain co-d behavior I have engaged in:
(1) Last night when ABF was on the fence about going to an AA meeting, I said I believed he should go, but it was his choice and he should do what he wanted. Also, when he left w/o saying a word leaving me to wonder where he was going, rather than calling and exploding asking if he was at a bar or really at the meeting I sent a text simply saying "please let me know where you are. thank you." (Know I should prob not have sent it at all, but baby steps....)
(2) When he was pressing me as to whether we are going to split up, I said firmly that for the past 14 mos I have not even give one thought to my needs because I have been so busy working about the drinking, and from now on I am putting my feelings and needs first, and will answer the question when I am ready to.
Overall, I think I may be on step 1 for a long long time because I am used to being the one managing everything, but I hope I am on the right track. I am looking forward to the freedom that so many of you have found in step 1!!!
Thanks for listening