Hi Carrie,
Sometimes, it takes a little failure for recovery. I failed after seeking medical help, anti-depressants, therapy and counseling, outpatient treatment, inpatient rehab, and AA without doing the Steps.
And then it clicked. When I finally got willing to dig into that Big Book of AA and learn about the mental obsession of alcoholism, it all came together.
The fact for me was that I was living in the delusion that I could control my not drinking. I always knew that I couldn't control my drinking. But I falsely thought that I could control not drinking. That I could just tough it out one day at a time. But the day always came where some trivial excuse for drinking made sense. I thought I was bored. I thought I was angry or happy or empty or needed inspiration. But really, I just had a mental obsession that defines alcoholism.
For me to recover, I had to give up that illusion of control. I had to know deep in my heart, that despite my efforts, I was doomed to drink again. That was when I became willing to seek some kind of power in my life. That was when I saw that a revolutionary change was required. Something big.
And I called a guy in AA I didn't like very much, but he talked about a spiritual solution to my problem. As an atheist, I didn't like that idea very much. But I didn't know what else to do, and I couldn't go on living like that, doomed to failure one more time.
He took me through the Steps and something changed for me. I started to react to life differently. For the first time ever, I felt some peace and comfort with life. The urge to drink was gone for good, and I've lived with that feeling of comfort for a good long while now.