Mandjas,
You had stated, "Why do I even bother?" It appears to me that maybe you bother and put yourself on the line for her because you hope and believe that maybe she will change and get better. And more and more each time, it appears that it is just one dissappointment after the other after the other.
My mother has been an alcoholic for 25 years. I'm 27 years old. All of my life, my mother has been a heavy drinker. For most of my early, adolescent, and early adult life I spent so much of my time hoping and thinking and praying and begging and crying and arranging and plotting ways to get her to change. Maybe if i react or respond in this way it will be better. Perhaps we can have the relationship that I've always wanted and I can have my mom back.
The sad truth is, with alcoholism, it doesn't get better, it gets worse--or at least in my case. Things get uglier, the alcoholic/addict does even more things to cross your boundaries and violate you even to the point of emotional, physical, and verbal abuse----ALL of which are undeserved. The minute I would put my foot down or try to assert a boundary, the response I would get were the following ones at any given time:
rage
coercion
belittlement
condescending-how dare you tell me what to do
how dare you share your feelings
how dare you have feelings and limits
you do what i say when i say
you do what i want when i want it
you go along with what i want u too
physical outlashings
verbal outlashings
you must not care about me and our family
guilt trips
fake tears
lies, lies, and more lies.
ALL OF THESE THINGS were NEVER DESERVED. I did nothing to cause it being treated that way. But it still happened.
I've always looked at my situation with my parents as a catch 22. I can never win. Either I'm damned if i assert myself and put boundaries up....or i'm damned if I go along w/ the dysfunction and get sicker like them (my mom and step-dad and older sibling). So which is the lesser of two evils? LOL Seriously....to protect myself, seperate myself, and learn to deal with the guilt as a result of doing so.
In my life right now, it is difficult for me emotionally to face each day (especially with a newborn baby who is now almost 2 mo. old and her grandma refuses to get her driver's license to come see her...which is a long story under the thread "moving on") without a mother. However, I've been grieving the absence of a mother since I was age 2. She's never had my feelings, thoughts, concerns as her priority. Her priorities have always revolved around her habit....and everything and everyone must conform to suit her lifestyle and if they don't, they are a criminal. It's sad, but that's what it does--it tears families apart. Does it kill me that grandma doesn't want to have anything to do w/ her grandkids even tho she says she does (actions speak louder than words)? yes. Did it kill me that my mom always chose the bottle over me? yes. I thought that once I became an adult, it wouldn't bother me anymore. NOw that I have children the pain is almost unbearable at times...and even worse considering I don't have much of a social support network....therefore absolutely no one to celebrate the joy of the birth of my child. I know no one who will come over to a birthday party for my chidlren, etc.
For me in my life, I am grieving still to this day...never having a mother....but I am sure glad to be rid of a creepy destructable person who is not my mother. She has become someone else and someone unsafe for me to associate with...unfortunately. There is no trust and for me to continue in a relationship where trust has been broken and destroyed, would be putting myself and my family in a vulnerable position emotionally and mentally...and even physically depending on the circumstances. It's amazing how much more energy and happiness I've had once I invest something worth investing in: MY FAMILY (husband and children). To invest in someone who is on a spiral downward is only going to drain me of everything I am. So...I stopped giving. As a result of this, I obviously have become the worst person ever to my mom and sister. Go figure....as to be expected because they never can do any wrong. LOL
You asked earlier "how do I detach with love." To be honest, you can try to set a boundary here and say it as politely as possible and even put a pretty pink bow around it and the truth of the matter is they still will think you are trying to hurt them. It doesn't matter how nicely we try to break the news. The truth is, they are suffereing the consequences of their behavior. When they drink and lie, etc....other people either stop coming around or they enable. They don't like it when people no longer enable. They don't like boundaries being set and all of that. Detaching with love doesn't mean it's going to be peachy...most always its' like coals over their head and salt on their wounds. It burns and there's no other way to say it. I've done the best I could in my situation...I was as white as snow and as blameless as I could be and I still come out looking like a criminal. It has only been fairly recent that I stopped being nice to my mom and just gave her the truth of what I thought in raw form. After all, just because she's drunk, I'm somehow supposed to be considerate of how she feels when shes doesn't care about anyone elses? Hogwash. Besides, i felt better standing my ground and not treating her like a princess for once in my life. If i wouldn't tolerate being disrespected and treated poorly by friends, why is she somehow entitled to? Simply b/c she's my mother? Hogwash.
Sorry for rambling, those are just my thoughts. I feel your pain and you sound like a sincere and wonderful person/mother with a wonderful husband and son. keep protecting yourself and your family. That is all you can do right now. I know it's painful to see your mother and father like this, but you;ve done all you could. Take care of yourself and try not to take your mom seriously. If she wants to be drunk all the time, there is nothing u can do to change that. And make sure you lean on ur hubby for support...that's what he's there for...when ur angry, need to cry...or whatever. Friends are also good for that too.
Anyway...I hope I was able to shed some light on some areas for you and encourage you. Please take care and god bless u.