Ah well I'm feeling kind of bruised and battered emotionally today after last night. But I have learned a few things:
1) Disaster happens when I jerk the reins from my higher power because I don't think things are going fast enough or how I think they should.
2) My disease and his disease had the argument/conversation last night. I know this because as I was talking I could see myself and I could hear myself and my HP was telling me to get off the phone, telling me to stop engaging the A/A while he was drunk/loaded but my dragon just had more strength last night.
So yes, I fell down. But I am back up today, bruised, battered, but in one piece. I am headed for Al Anon tonight.
I am back to no contact. I agree with the posting above that no contact seems to work for me. I know that until I get strong enough to not engage his disease (and I don't know if that time will ever come, might just always be no contact) it is essential that I have no contact. I have a lot more serenity in my life when I am not talking to or knowing what he is doing.
Thanks everybody. I felt in deep crisis last night, but I feel a LOT better this evening. I will go back to taking it minute by minute until I can do hour by hour then day by day.
I will try my best to not become one more victim of his disease. It has claimed enough lives.