Update :)
Things are actually going pretty well.
I had posted before that J was calling a couple of my friends, talking about his suicidal thoughts, asking them questions about whether I had a boyfriend or had an affair. He had also asked my mom this.
I did talk to my family and friends and let them know that I loved them, they were free to talk to him (or not) but that I didn't want to know what he was saying to them. I let them know that if they didn't know what to do when he was talking about suicide that they could simply call 911 and let professionals deal with it.
He'd also been posting some cryptic messages on his facebook, stuff that was very "hook"-like for me. Examples: "____ is not sure what to think of things anymore." "_____ doesn't know where he stands" Stuff like that. And he has a host of female friends back in the state where he used to live who were posting all kinds of supportive messages to him, but some of them were negative about me and that was bothersome. I would not have been still "friended" with him on FB but he had asked me to when we separated.
I decided, especially after reading some of my fellow SR members' experiences with FB, to un-friend him. I called him to let him know that I was doing this. I wanted him to know that I didn't mean it as a reactionary thing, that I was not angry or mad, but that I simply needed to be free of this as part of my recovery. I didn't get mad or anything, just kindly and matter-of-factly told him, and he handled it just fine.
This has been about a week ago. Now that I am not hearing/seeing stuff about him, and our main contact is transferring kids, I am much less stressed out. He behaves himself very well around me, seems like he is also working his recovery program and I am glad for him. As long as we are able to be kind to each other and parent our kids well, I am satisfied with the status quo.
Interestingly, now that I'm detaching from him, I see the relationship in a much different light. Without his "hooks" I see him not as someone that I'm tremendously attracted to. I don't see us reconciling, but I hope that we can continue for the next years as our kids grow up to be friendly with one another and be good parents.
I know that this journey may have more bumps in store for me, but for now, I feel very peaceful, more so than I have in years. I feel like I am parenting my kids so much better these days, I am more cognizant of my own reactions and my tone of voice, and even learning to set appropriate boundaries with them. We have our struggles and our days when things don't go super well, but overall, I feel really good about things.
What this tells me is that THE PROGRAM WORKS IF YOU WORK IT. I also know I need to KEEP WORKING IT. I will be here for a long time, I think. I will be going to meetings for a long time, I think.