Aww, don't be so hard on yourself. We all want our addicts to get well and want our lives and our dreams to be normal again...but sadly, this just doesn't happen much when addiction is in the picture.
Addiction changes them and they are no longer the person we knew. Addiction changes us, and our minds and our hearts just cannot seem to agree on what is healthy for us.
What helped me more than anything was to find live meetings and surround myself with support by others who had been where I was. Learning to work a 12-step program literally saved my life and made it worth living again. It took time, it took work, but it was the best gift I ever gave myself. Maybe find some meetings in your area and give them a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Also, it might be a good time to see your own lawyer to know your rights and find out what you can salvage should this end up in a divorce situation. HE doesn't get to call the shots, the law does, and the law is there to protect you as well as him.
For now, take a deep breath and know that what you did was led by emotion and the loss of balance that we all find when dealing with life changing situations. It's a grief of sorts because life as we knew it is no longer our path and it's normal.
Hugs to you and prayers too that you can find a more peaceful place to park your mind.
Hugs