Puggrinz

Well I feel totally pathetic tonight. I engaged in a psuedo-argument with my AAH. I say psuedo-argument because he was so loaded on H that he could barely carry on a conversation.

All he could say is that "something is missing from this marriage, and that he used to love me and that he tried all he could but that he couldn't do it anymore."

I haven't heard from him in nearly a week. He moved out over a month ago, but went to work for two weeks and during that time called and talked about coming home, how excited he was to come home, blah blah blah.

But then he let it slip that he had unfinished business over at his buddy's house and that this buddy would be picking him up from the airport and that he was going to spend the night there. I detached with love and said ok that sounded like a plan. I then went on to an Al Anon meeting.

So at three in the morning he comes banging on my window and wants to come home. Except he had done h and was still messed up on it, and I told him you said you were going to spend the night over at so n so's. Well he got mad and said fine I'll go back over there. I said okay, because that's what you said you wanted to do.

So he left. I never heard another word from him until tonight. He called the house on sunday and my cell phone but didn't leave a message, I was at church. So today, four days later I am beginning to get worried, and I wonder if he is in jail?? or what?

So I break down and call his cell phone with the excuse of finding out where the delinquent house payment is and he answers and tells me he is 1500 miles away in California! (with the excuse to see his son and granddaughter that he never has, but truth is he always stays with junkies and gets more stuff that he brings back up here) ! He said he cashed in his miles and I guess he must have sold some stuff or borrowed money, because everything he did was totally off the radar, not credit card charges, no withdrawals from the bank.

I asked him why didn't he even have the courtesy to call me and let me know? What if I had been in a wreck or our daughter had or some othersdisaster had happened--and he had no answer just started the same ol rote, how he didn't love me anymore, something was missing, blah blah blah.

And of course that hit my buttons, because I was already feeling weak because I didn't even matter to him for him to call. He just snuck out of town. And here I was so desperate to engage him, that I just kept doing all the stuff I have learned not to do.

Especially confront them when they are drunk or loaded. So of course he knows exactly what to say and he had it all turned around that that because I didn't let him in on Saturday to come home and detox that that meant our marriage was over and he just couldn't do it anymore and he was getting off the phone.

Of course I fell right into old behavior of crying, trying to make him feel guilty, telling him he was going to die, all of the classic old behaviors that I have always done and now I am so mad at myself!!

I am so mad that I just fell instantly right back into the old pattern! Why couldn't I just leave well enough alone? Why did I have to call him? Why did I give my power up to him? I opened myself wide to just let him hurt me and cut me with his words, and I couldn't hang up!

A few times my mind said STOP! Just end this conversation and get off the phone, but no! I stayed on, taking all his abuse! All his "I don't love you anymore" abuse and then he hung up on me!

I am so mad at myself!! I told him there were things around here that needed to be done and he said well that's the way it is in a divorce, things just don't get done that you want. I said, well we arene't divorced until the judge signs the papers and I'm still having to take care of your crap while you waste your time doing drugs! And then I told him I wanted one of our rental properties (we have four) because I am the one who manages them, and collects the rents and gets the repair men and all that stuff and whenever he writes out his divorce settlements he always keeps all the rentals for him self.

Well then he got really angry and snide and said, well I think you getting your house that you live in and the land that it is on is enough, but no, you want it all! And we don't need lawyers, and I'm not going to pay for one!

Ugh! I just feel so stupid for walking right into his traps!! And the sad thing is I don't want a divorce at all! I just want him to get well and stop this! But I can't live with him on H, there is no way.

I can't even take his meanness when he is detoxing off of it. And while I don't want a divorce, I also don't want to spend the next eight years like the last!

I wish with all my might I had not picked up the phone and called him. I wish I had not kept trying to make him engage that finally I picked an argument with him and then left myself wide open to his abuse and didn't get off the phone when it started.

I was so desperate to hear from him. I just wanted him to say I'm sorry, or I love you, or give me an excuse or something. Really, who was sicker??? ME!!!

I mean, I must be sicker because I keep trying to hang on and he has already moved on. (his words) I just feel like a freakin' idiot, and it's 12:30 at night and there is no one to call. God!!!! Why did I say the things I did to him? Why did I fall right back into that manipulative play with him!! Why did I leave myself wide open to his abuse and mean words?

I thought I was getting so well. Now I just feel like I am totally back at square one desperate for his love. I am so desperate!!!! I hate myself!!!

I don't even know if I care if we get divorced. I mean I have been doing really pretty well this month that he's been gone. I have been going to Al-anon, reading, reaching out in volunteer work once a week. I feel like I am really beginning to live. So why did I feel this need to open myself up to a person to just totally crap on me? What's wrong with me?? Up until tonight I was doing so well.

I just feel utterly hopeless. I knew not to engage him. I knew better. Why Why Why did I do it??? Why once he told me he was in California, did I just not get off the phone? Why did I continue on to where he got the upper hand and makes me feel like crap? I feel like a total loser!!!! Oh My God I just can't stand myself right now. Judas Priest!!!!!!!!

If this was one of my girlfriends I would be totally exasperated with her for calling in the first place. Now I have to put up with all his crap of everything I said on the phone getting thrown back in my face. No unfortunately he can't remember many things while on h, but always seems to remember whatever I said to him!!!!

Talk about one step forward and thirty steps back. What a complete moron I am. I can't stand myself.