Ah regret, I was wondering when you'd show up
So, it's been a mere day since H and I openly discussed and agreed on divorce. I went through yesterday utterly shocked that our conversation went so well. We spent the rest of the day emailing back and forth, discussing details about who should get what, visitation, etc etc. Last night, I called his mother to give her the news; she was relieved I think.
I've started to draw up lists of things I'll be taking with me, lists of things to do, such as transfer the lease and utilities to his name, look for an apartment, get the divorce proceedings under way, etc etc. It still felt unreal yesterday, but I was almost happy about it.
This morning however, I think it hit me. Things are going to change drastically. I've been with this man for 5 years and have been building a LOT of bad habits since then. I have gotten used to depend on him, to wait on him, to hear from him constantly, and to call him whenever anything happened to me. I worry for him, about him, nag him about his health, his smoking, his drinking, his cussing. At the same time though, he's present in my life, is there for emergencies, whenever I want a hug, etc. That's all going away, and when I realized it, I started to tear up. It got worse when he asked his morning if I'd want "one last lovemaking session", to remember us by. I was very tempted, since I know that we have great chemistry. We always have. But I'm concerned that it'll just make me regret my decision even more...
So I'm fighting the Regret Monster today. I'm holding back the tears and trying to remember WHY he's not a good partner, and how much I've hated the drinking, and how freeing this will be in the long run. We haven't spoken about his drinking in days, and in a way, I feel as though I don't want to talk about it anymore, because it's even LESS my problem than it was after I found this wonderful board. No more picking up empties, no more cleaning up spills on the floor, no more sounds of beer cans/bottles opening, no more monitoring how much he drinks or spends on drinking, no more awful alcohol smell in my kitchen, no more cigarette butts strewn all over the balcony....
FREEDOM!