Well what an insightful night I had last night.
For those of you who haven't been following my story, a very quick recap. Following an escalation of chaos with alcoholic brother and codependent mother, I went no contact with them both six weeks ago. We all live on a small UK offshore island within a couple of miles of each other and it was only a matter of time before one of them confronted me.
In the early days of nc I was very scared of this confrontation (mother and brother are verbal bullies / manipulators and in the past I have avoided them rather than stand up to them). Well, what a difference six weeks make and what a long way I have come. I owe SR and everyone here so much.
Last night, I spent an hour with codependent mother - my time boundaries and leaving plans were firmly in place. I assumed observor mode and it made interesting viewing. I didn't engage emotionally and remained calm but most importantly, I stood up for myself, challenging all the denial and her bs, and had my say.
I had everything thrown at me - accusations, anger, bitterness, vindictiveness, hurt, tears, coldness, self-righteousness, superiority, superciliousness and self-pity+++. The more I wouldn't engage and calmly refuted what she was saying the more desperate her performance became. Her trademark manipulative barbs became crude sledgehammer blows - talk about laying it on thick.
It was good for me though, good to see her in full flow and to be able not to engage, not to respond, not to care - in the words of my daughter "talk to the hand coz the face (heart) ain't bovvered". All she got from me was calm honesty and she couldn't handle it. At one point, in a tremulous voice, she quavered "You don't blame me for your childhood, do you?" I responded that no I don't blame her but I hold her equally reponsible and accountable with my father for her poor choices and lack of coping skills. She couldn't handle this and the denial re-emerged +++ but even that was okay, this is all about me now.
I honestly never expected her to truthfully acknowledge her part, to apologise, to understand the pain she and my Dad caused - in her eyes, she is both a heroine and a victim who is being unfairly punished by her daughter. In my eyes, she is a sad individual who is living a lie and who does not have the courage to examine her life, warts and all. And for me, that's okay, my need for an apology and a loving, caring mother has gone.
I finished off our meeting by re-hammering my boundaries in place - I would not be available to sort out my brother's alcoholic dramas any more; I didn't want to hear another word about him - he is on his own; I would not be available to look after her house, she had to make her own choices and arrangements for her future; and I would no longer be family social secretary - in future thay could arrange their own birthday and Xmas's, we would not be attending. It leaves us with nothing, possibly, nodding in the street if we pass and that's just fine with me.
I woke this morning in the place where I wanted to be - calm, at peace and not bothered. From now on, my energy and precious time is going to be spent on me, my dh and our kids. What a start to ds and I's first ever sailing trip
.
IWTHxxx