Thread: What to do??
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Old 10-05-2009, 10:20 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
dothi
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
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I hear you, Goldberry. I remember visiting with my parents (AF, codie mom) at a nice family restaurant. Who knows what started the bickering. I just remember watching the passive-aggressiveness escalate, and people glancing at our table in response to the sharp angry comments. I remember thinking, "I never want to be here again." Not a good feeling to have in the company of your own family

Whether it's normal for your family or not, what's important is whether it's normal for you. Is listening to grown adults a normal part of your day-to-day life?

I sat in that restaurant and asked myself, "is this what I want to be normal for me?" What if I have kids? Is this fighting going to be "okay" because these people happen to be my parents?

I agree with your brother - have an escape plan. By that I mean has the means to leave when things escalate. As soon as the arguing starts, get up and walk away. Resist the urge to take control. Resist the urge to fix. There is nothing wrong with coming over to visit and realizing that the situation is uncomfortable within minutes of walking through the door. You do not have to endure the fighting just because they are your parents. Rehearse saying your boundaries with a trusted friend, so that it will come more naturally when you say it before leaving. Something I've said to my parents before is: "I am NOT spending today listening to you fight. If you cannot be more civil, then I am leaving." That's it. Walk away if your boundary is not respected. And oh boy did I ever get ragged behind my back at what a demanding b*tch I had grown into - all for asking two grownup people to behave in a civil manner. I figure if strangers can be more polite to me than this, then aren't I better off hanging around strangers?

FWIW I swear at times my parents visited me because they missed having an audience. They missed having the kids around to pull into the fight and throw around their, "See? See? Dothi does/doesn't agree." It's all to feed their drama. Plus I think they feel safer from each other because they know the other won't say/do certain things if the kids are around. When people divorce you hear all the time: don't fight or badmouth the other parent in front of the kids. There's no good reason why this should not apply to "functional" marriages too.

Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
1) my boundaries are clear, 2) I always have an escape route (smart brother!) and 3) I have rooted out the thing in me that fed on the drama.
This is really good advice - especially the 3rd point.
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