queenteree

Hi All,
First of all, I love posting here cause it keeps me accountable to myself (and I know how alot of you here also hold me accountable lol). Accountability is so important to me and my recovery. Now, on to my real reason for posting.
As many of you who have followed my journey here in the past three years know, I've been thru the ringer with my AH, and have stayed. Money was my main reason. I didn't want to lose my house, lose out on our retirement accounts, etc. Didn't want to sell the house in this market, blah blah blah ... Second was his bad health (alcoholic liver disease, a few serious hospitalizations, didn't want him to die alone).

When I first came here, AH was a functioning alcoholic, he worked, paid the bills, saved for retirement, was still a good husband and father. In the past three years, he has spiraled down to a pathetic shell of a man, who lost his job over a year ago (due to drunkeness), didn't work, drank 24/7 and did some insane things to me over the years. He went thru 3 rehabs in 2 years, and had some brief stints with sobriety (or should I just call it "abstinance"?). Each time, I was "fooled" into thinking that maybe, just maybe he "got it" this time. I thought I finally had my husband back.

Needless to say, three years later, he still has his health problems (but is still alive), spent most of his retirement money on beer and gambling, still doesn't work (rather drink instead) and last month we barely had enough money to pay our mortgage cause he decided to buy himself a new set of expensive golf clubs instead (says he "needed" them)! So of course, I am the sole provider to this family. When I took away his access to our account, he freaked. Said he is "sick" of me nagging him and trying to control him and how he spends the money (talk about insanity!!!!). Told me 3 weeks ago that he was "clearing out the rest of his IRA and leaving". Well, he did just that, took out the rest of that money and left. And guess what???? My life didn't fall apart. I was originally worried about the tax consequences on my end of him taking out that money, but have since consulted an attorney (who is also my friend), who told me I could file taxes separately and wouldn't be held responsible for HIS actions (boy, that was a relief!) Also, she drew up a schedule of all our assets and has prepared separation papers. Now it's only a matter of getting him to agree and sign, which I anticipate won't be an easy feat, but I'm up for it.

Needless to say, AH has been calling me for about a week now, several times a nite. What do I do? Originally, yes, I did talk to him. But when it turned to blame shifting/quacking, I decided to turn the ringer off and leave the answering machine w/the sound off so I don't even know anyone is calling. 20 messages in a night. I do, however, listen the next day, just in case it was someone important calling that I missed. AH's messages all say "I miss you, I want to come home". OK .... well, I got news for him, it ain't happening. It's amazing the clarity you get once they are out of your life. (Gotta admit tho, the first week or so was really rough for me). What about what "I" want? To him, "he" wants! "He" misses me! Does he really think I would fall for that????? Oh, yeah, I'm sure he misses me, but not cause he loves me. He "misses" his enabler! And to those of you who think "I don't enable my A", you know what? I never thought I did either. I didn't make excuses for him, didn't worry about his consequences, I did exactly what Alanon suggests we do for ourselves. But I still enabled him. Know how? Did he not have roof over his head, a bed to sleep in? Was there not food in the refrigerator if and when he decided he was hungry? Yes, I didn't do his laundry either, but there was laundry detergent here when he needed to do it, right? Little things like that, that we don't consider enabling, really is.

What do I "miss" about him? Let's see: do I "miss" him drinking 24/7 and keeping me up all night, every single night, when I have to go to work in the morning? Do I "miss" him creating messes in every single room in the house? Do I miss him "peeing" all over the bathroom floor on a constant basis to where I just had to put down a towel to collect it? Do I "miss" that he does absolutely nothing around here except for create chaos, talk non stop, repeat himself and spend all our money, money I work for? The list can go on and on ...

His new thing now is he wants to come back and he will go to rehab. Well, past actions are the best predictors of future behavior, and we have gone this route 3 times in the past two years and for what???? Brief glimpses of sobriety? What he really wants is to smooth things over. Get his comfy little life back, since I guess life is really not too good on his own right now.
Thing is, I am done. I don't want to do this dance anymore. I really kept making excuses for not leaving, and the very things that kept me with him (money, his health), I don't have anymore. He took the bulk of the money. OK. I'll survive. But the moral is ... it took me three years to get to this point, and in fact, I didn't leave him. He left me! And it's really OK, cause to me, God did something for me that I couldn't do for myself ... And in reality, I've been providing for me all along ... I just didn't give myself enough credit.

So in essence, I just wanted to let you all know, especially the newbies out there, that when you read and post on here, and wonder why you can't just leave like alot of others have, you can't worry about it. You will when you are ready. In fact, some of you may never be ready (like me) and your A may leave you. But when it does happen, it will happen at the time it is supposed to happen, not a minute sooner, and you will be "ready" for it. Your journey with your A will have prepared you for it, and you'll make it thru.

Hugs to all of you.