Mellane... get a test for STDs/AIDS. Better to know for sure you are healthy.
Secondly, may I gently remind you we will not be around forever? "while you wait" days, months and years can keep going... who is to say you will be around then? what if this is the last day and the last chance you got to provide yourself and your kids some joy and love.
I do not think you will get any Ray of Light providing you strength to take actions, you just need to do it, make the decision you and the kids come first and you need to do what it takes to strive for a better life ...afterwards you will realize the strength you were hoping for was there all this time and its greater than you think.