PS One other thing I wanted to say, first I would like to say by no means was I minimizing what you are going through, it's very real, and very painful.
One saying I used to hear in AA meetings, don't worry about "getting in touch with your feelings" they will be getting in touch with you
We drank specifically to avoid them, so when my feelings started coming up I was helpless in their grip, they were bigger and stronger then I was and I had to learn to ride them out, my last post was the next step after that.
I'm very proud of you Bam, you are doing awesome and you are right where you are supposed to be.