Welcome soulsurvivor, I too am glad you found us.
Your post resonated very, very strongly with me. I too grew up in an alcoholic family where denial ruled - say nothing, don't admit anything to anyone, things aren't that bad, look what a good life we have.
I too have chosen go to no contact with my family of origin (alcoholic brother and codependent mother; AF died 21 years ago) - I finally reached the point where I didn't want the chaos and drama any more; I had had enough. I am at the very early stages of my own recovery but even a month along, I am healthier than I've ever been.
I have had to learn that I am unusual in my family of origin - I don't want to and won't deny things any more. I am not going to lie, pretend, ignore, or dissociate any more in order to enable two unhealthy relationships. I want more for me than that.
When you step out of role, in your case speaking out instead of keeping your mouth shut, you are punished. In my case, my punishment was viscious triangulation (family members talking about me behind my back) and the silent treatment (well she wanted no contact, so she can have it). My family are masters at passive agressive behaviours.
"If" I want to be admitted back into my family of origin - I will have to crawl on my belly, wear sack-cloth, heap ashes on my head, self-flagellate and then maybe, just maybe they will deign to let me back in. However, as I type this, I realise I don't want to be readmitted (woohoo, progress and moving forward) because the payback will never be what I want and need; and the cost will be yet more emotional damage.
I understand what you say about "knowing" intellectually but it breaking your heart at the same time.
I recently made a post about grieving - I am grieving my losses, grieving for the mother and father I never, ever had and the family life I will never get. I am waiting for my emotions to catch up with my head and guess what, they are - slowly, slowly.
I'm glad you are moving on, there's a couple of us on here on the same journey. Keep posting, I just come on here and waffle but there's always someone who gets where I'm coming from - it's a good feeling,
IWTHxxx