Ago

I was mowing my lawn, doing some yardwork and house work, my brain just kinda bumping along, thinking about this thread among other things and it suddenly occurred to me, someone had posted awhile back about codependency and alcoholism being different branches of the same sickness, I can't remember what it was exactly, but how closely they were related and all of the sudden it came to me one thing they absolutely share in common.

The people who suffer from these conditions (and I am including myself) can solve everybody's problems but their own.

I can walk into any bar in the world and ask how to achieve World Peace, or end World Hunger and those fools won't hesitate, they won't blink an eye, they will have detailed plans how to solve these problems and achieve World Peace and feed everyone within moments and that's nothing compared to the detailed analysis they'd give about their favorite sporting team and how the Quarterback should have played, or how the Pitcher should have done things differently.

If I were to ask these same people how to fix their home lives, how to stop drinking, how to make their wives and children happy, how to fit in better at work etc

/crickets

bar stool scratches across the floor

menacing glares as the bartender takes my drink away, wipes the bar and says, "I think it's time you were moving on"


or



I could go to The hairdressers next door to the same bar, assuming their husbands were drinking next door, listen for a bit, then ask, "Hey ladies, what could your husbands do to be better husbands? if they drink, how can they stop drinking? How many meetings would they need to attend? How can they be better communicators? How can they be more loving? What do they need to do in order to make you happy and fulfilled?

In other words, what does your husband need to do in order to fix himself and make YOU happy?

I think I would get enough information to write a book.

If I said, that's great, now what do you think YOU could do in order to fix yourself bearing in mind in this exercise you can't mention someone else at all, you can't blame someone else for how you feel, your situation, your happiness, nor mention them making any sort of change as your solution.

What can YOU do to change YOURSELF?

What can you do to empower YOURSELF?

Now remember you aren't allowed to mention anyone but yourselves, take ownership of your own feelings, take responsibility for your own happiness.

What can YOU do to have a happier marriage?

What can YOU do to make YOURSELF happy?

I think I would get asked to leave again.

Alcoholics are addicted to alcohol, and can't stop drinking, the more they struggle and fight, the more they lose. The only way for an alcoholic to "win" is by surrendering, giving up and walking away.

Codependents are addicted to alcoholics/addicts and controlling their environment and the people in it, the attempts at control are because the situation is and has been so out of control (many times in their childhood) that the codie needs to regain control of their environment to feel safe. That's what a Psychiatrist told me one time anyway.

For me to recover from codependency I had to relinquish my efforts at control, stop trying to control people around me, I also had to remove the sicker people from my environment, but ultimately it was letting go of controlling other people that brings me serenity. Stop trying to make my mother/sister/GF be healthy. Stop trying to have healthy relationships with unhealthy people. Find healthy people to have relationships with then try to learn how to do it myself. Actually the other way around, start getting healthy myself and strangely enough healthier people start appearing.

Stop going to hardware stores for bread
Stop going to dry wells
Stop trying to fit square pegs in round holes

Stop trying to MAKE or FORCE those around me to MEET MY NEEDS

If someone can't meet my needs without me having to explain it to them, me explaining it to them is not going to make it better. Me explaining it to them 800 times is REALLY not going to make it better. As a matter of fact, after 632 times I begin to suspect it's not them, it may be me that's a bit wacked at that point and needs help.

Anyway, I just thought that's what alcoholism and codependency share in common, they know how to fix everyone but themselves, and have a solution for everyone but themselves. I know I am certainly guilty of that more often then I'd care to admit.