Mambo Queen

I'm going to what I hope is the final hearing on my divorce from XAH on Wednesday. He was supposed to come to my lawyer's office and sign the papers we had agreed on, and then I wouldn't have to go to court at all--and I think he would have done so two weeks ago, but, after three and a half months of progress on his part--where he was holding a job, staying sober and having regular visitations with our dd--of course, he did what he always does and quit the job, started drinking again, and went from reliable back to unreliable in the span of about a week. Actually, as much as I hate that he's doing this to himself again, for me, it really took a load off of my mind, because I was feeling tremendous guilt while he was not drinking. He would call me all the time and beg me to give him a chance in the future, which I would not promise to do. As an AA buddy of mine said, it's like my HP said to me, "Do I need to draw you a picture? Because here it is..."

So while I'm sad for him, I've been enjoying the break, I must admit. You see, I never let myself go full-on "no contact". I wouldn't contact him much, and I would give myself breaks, but I would still talk to him on the phone occasionally, and sometimes go out to eat with him and dd when we were doing the visitation exchange. For a while, since he started drinking, I think he was embarrassed to contact me, but he would still occasionally call and leave no voice mail. Today, when he called, I picked up the phone. He sounded pitiful. Said he's suicidally depressed, has run off both of his sisters (who have been trying to be there for him as much as possible when they knew he wasn't drinking, but probably have told him they're done now that he's relapsed yet again). And really, his sisters are all he has. Says he's back to being unable to drive, has unbearable panic attacks and just feels so alone.

He hung up after a few minutes of this, and he did say he knows it's not my fault but his that his life is such a mess. I did nothing. Offered no advice or consolation, really. I had a big long talk with my sponsor, and she made me feel better. She did say that if he ever called and said, "I really need help. Could you help me find a place I could go to get it?" that I should feel free to lend a hand by helping get him into the Salvation Army or another subsidized rehab, but other than that, I should stay completely out of it because my help has never helped in the past, so why should it now? And I feel like I'm really getting that in my soul and in my heart more and more. It's been slow coming, and I'm not all the way there yet, but progress, not perfection, right?

But my one niggling worry/fear is that it must be so unbearably sad for him to feel that no one cares if he lives or dies. I'm afraid he'll choose death before he'll reach out for the help that might save him. And what if he did choose to reach out to me for that, and I didn't pick up the phone because I wanted to give myself a break? I guess my basic question is, where and when is it OK to help? And is it OK to just ignore someone who has no one else? I don't want to be married to him anymore, I don't think I will ever want a romantic relationship with him in the future no matter what help he sought. But I care about him as a human being. I would like to have him as a friend if he was in recovery. I don't want him to think I never cared about him. I don't want him to feel all alone in the world. Don't addicts need/deserve some sort of support, even in their darkest hours? I guess I was hoping his family would fill that role for him, and I can understand why they feel they've had enough, but where is his impetus for recovery if he feels so abandoned? I know I can't jump back into the pit with him, or I'll kill myself in the process. I want so badly to not have to deal with this at all, and that is basically what I'm doing. So when will these worries or guilt pangs go away? Is it OK to ignore a sick/dying person?