help scare me
Hi all,
A bit uncomfortable sharing for the first time, but think I need some support/input. Although I have suffered no negative repercussions aside from occasional hangover headaches from my alcohol use, I am worried, and have been for some time, about it.
Alcoholism runs in my family. I fear I am in the early stages myself, and feel it would be better to quit now before I find myself in the grip of something far worse and harder to deal with.
My partner is a wonderful man, a recovered alcoholic (many years) who sees no problem with my drinking level (not that I've tried to explain it- I haven't said anything about it to him or anyone.) I function without any problems in my work, at home, with all relationships, etc. I'm quite nice and responsible and all.
Still, for several years now I ALWAYS drink more than I feel is a good amount whenever I do drink. I keep swinging back and forth between overindulging and then quitting. I have no cravings, but perhaps a psychological need to drink every so often. I start thinking, "Oh, wouldn't some wine be nice...haven't had any for 3 days," and then I buy a bottle and drink too much of it in a very civilized way in the evenings. I never have just one glass-- rarely have just two. Mostly I drink the whole bottle, and as a 125 lb. female, I can certainly feel it. I am looking for the buzz, the feeling of obliterating the present, or escaping my mind, without a doubt. If you told me I could just have one glass, I wouldn't bother. Or I'd be afraid I would crave more once I started.
That is really the problem. I don't have the same sort of craving if I don't start, but once I start, I want to keep drinking til I head foggily into bed. Over time, I have repeated and repeated this pattern, and have kept cycling through the too much for 3 days then quit for 3 days then too much then quit for 3 days. When I am out socially, I often don't drink or only have one or two. I can only handle more if I'm at home where I'm just sitting around and not having to do anything.
I need to feel more certain that this is a problem and to be more afraid of what it might progress to. But after a few alcohol-free days, I start to think I was overreacting, and I go get another bottle of wine. So what do you think?