Queenie, I get where you're coming from but everyone is right. You (and him) are making you crazy. You want to get your point across to someone who does not want your point. But instead of making your point, you freeze up and say something else. Then you feel enraged that what he says is SOO backwards from your point but he never really heard your true point to begin with. And even if he did, he'd turn it around anyhow. What exactly are you trying to accomplish? Like the meaning of insanity - doing the same thing but expecting a different result. How many conversations like that are you willing to go through before you realize you're running in circles?
I REALLY understand the need to tell people how things are, to have them listen and say "oh yeah, I can't believe I didn't see it before. You're right". I had an BURNING need to have my thoughts known. Otherwise people would go on with their own wrong idea about something. Have you gone to Al Anon? This really helped me see that I don't have it right; I just have an opinion just like everyone else. And if I'm secure in myself, I don't need to convince anyone of anything. Even if they perceive something negative about me. For example, my parents were watching the news one night and my dad said something racist about the story. I used to immediately jump at him, saying he's wrong to be racist, not all people are like that, he should respect multi-culturalism etc etc. I would end up arguing with him, because I knew I was right, you shouldn't be racist, and I must change his mind. And now, I keep my mouth shut. He can have his opinions. All the past arguments never changed his mind anyhow, and both of us just ended up aggravated for NOTHING. It wasn't up to me to convince him of anything, so why was I inciting an argument? Why was I losing my peace?
You will not convince your XABF of anything. It's hard and it hurts when you feel misunderstood. In another situation it may be possible to have both sides admit their wrongs and move on. But your XABF is living in his own head, very self-centred. From that vantage point, it will always be your fault. Even if it's not. And because most A's protect their inner selves through drinking, they won't give up that attitude because it serves them. It allows them to move through life without ever taking responsibility, which means not having to deal with conflicts, consequences, and gasp, the possibility that they are wrong, their own emotional well being, and of those around them. You are trying to bring down an almost impenetrable shield, and the harder you try, the harder they'll fight against you. And it's not your fight anymore. I hope you choose to step out of the boxing ring.