Okay, I will do my best to share the story, although like I said it's hard to find the words. It wasn't really like any one huge thing happened, except it did within myself.
I knew the husband first from the program. He was the speaker at one of the meetings. I remember he spoke from his heart and even got teary at one point. I was so touched at the time that, even though I was pretty new, I went up to him afterwards and thanked him. I found out a few days later through a friend that he and his wife live out here in the country near me.
I talked to him again, and he said he would drive me to some meetings if I needed it, which I accepted because I really wanted to hear more of what he had to say. He totally seemed at peace, and he had what I so desperately wanted, and I was drawn to want to be his friend. He introduced me to a couple of people in the program who were very loving and welcoming, and they gave me the same feeling that he did, like they had figured something out that not too many of us knew.
Anyway, it turns out that my sponsor works with him every day, and through that we exchanged e-mails (because I don't have a phone now). He invited me to come over to his and his wife's house and do some reading. I accepted gratefully, adding that I probably wouldn't be very good company because I had fallen into some depression lately. Before he picked me up, I was doubting the whole thing, thinking I probably shouldn't even go and pacing nervously until he got here.
On the drive over, I was teary. I told him I felt lost without my phone, my daughter, my support system, everything. I confessed about taking the extra pills the day before and how they had messed me up and made me sick and that I was afraid to tell my sponsor. He told me that my sponsor had arranged to call while I was over there. He then said that I would really like his house, that it was a special place and that a lot of people had gotten well there. He told me that my support system and family was going to grow in ways I couldn't even imagine.
We got there and I met his wife and his dogs and cats, too. He invited me onto the back porch and read from the Big Book to me, mostly from the Third Step. Even though I have looked through the book before, this time the parts he was reading seemed much more profound, and he put the sections together in a way where I was really getting it. I felt myself welling up as he read about HP's love for us and how He would take care of everything and that we shouldn't be afraid.
My sponsor then called, and he excused himself so we could talk. I bawled my eyes out as I confessed about the pills, saying I didn't want her to leave me. She said that, God willing, she would never do that in a million years and loved me. She was comforting and understanding as I unburdened.
Afterwards, my friend came back outside and shared a little more of his own story with me, the dark place he had come from and how he was able to escape it. Without getting specific, he also told me of the very dark places some of the others he was close to in the program came from, the very same people I have envied so much because they were so peaceful and happy. He told me there was a reason I was going through all this right now, why I don't have a phone, why I am struggling. I just don't know it yet.
We prayed after that. His prayer for me was beautiful and made me cry (again). Then he said he was going to be a bit unconventional and work a Tenth Step with me about the pills, even though I am only on Step One. We went through all of the effects of what I had done: self-esteem (fear), ambition, pride, etc. It was amazing! After it was over, I felt totally cleansed and didn't feel the least bit bad about it anymore. He told me that there were more amazing experiences like that ahead of me by working the steps.
He then burned a piece of sage, saying that some people believed that it was cleansing and that the smell of it later would remind me of the good and peaceful feelings I was having right then. He let me hold it and breathe it in, and I felt myself relaxing and feeling legitimately tired for the first time in a long time. He said he would bring it to my house and do the same thing there, because my cottage has been feeling dark and like a prison lately.
He told me that amazing things were going to happen for me if I was willing to do the work and that he could see that I was ready and willing. I felt worthy for the first time in a long time, maybe ever. He then handed me one of the beautiful candles on his table. The picture of it was a warrior slaying demons, and he picked it specifically for me so I could slay my own.
I felt exhausted as we were leaving, but excited. I felt like He had been there the whole time, and I never wanted that feeling to leave me ever again. His wife handed me a box full of food as well--so kind. He said I could come over anytime I wanted, and truth be told I wanted to move in with them (lol). He was right about it being a special place. I did feel well. We looked up at the stars on the way to the car. They are amazing out here in the country. It was like HP was everywhere.
Well, those are the words, but it's harder to convey the feelings as they really were. Harder to describe. I felt such a sense of peace that I didn't even want to go to bed, tired as I was, for fear of losing it. But it is still with me even as I type this. I want more of it. I'm aching for it. I want to open my heart and let God rush in and show me all the wonderful gifts he has in store.
I know the feelings must seem hard to believe. I have not been a believer my whole life and have never fully believed or trusted in a higher power than myself. But they were there--they really were. It was an experience like none I have ever had before. Thank you for letting me share it with you.