Shame is such an ugly thing to me. It kept me from admitting the depth my binge eating. It kept me from seeking help for my health problems when in reality much of physical ailments weren't from my weight going up and up but side effects from a new medication. It kept me from reaching out to others and finding help much sooner for my codependency, and it kept me in an unhealthy relationship that compounded all of this.
You need love, patient, encouragement, and comfort from yourself....not shame. Now what did taking too much medication get you? It didn't put food on the table or make a friend materialize out of thin air or any of that. It just made you feel worse.
This is where recovery works when you work it. It is so hard when the times get tight and the tests of our resolve get tougher. Everyone here knows this. We are all there on the roller coaster with you. No one is getting off scott free we are all here doing the work. You can do this. We're here to listen and support. No one is judging. Let that shame go to some criminal out there who deserves it. They're out there, let them keep all the shame and guilt and persicution. We are all full up here, my friend!
I will make a confession to you Cath that I am a bit shameful for myself. See, I've gone no contact with my EX and he called around this time last week and left me a message. I mistakenly listened without checking caller ID and it was the same old "wondering how you are all doing" bologna. I know he's just checking up on me. Wants the skinny. Wants to see if I'm struggling. Of course he does, right? So I don't call him back. Well tonight there's a voicemail and my intuition tells me it him. I check caller ID, and it is in fact him. What do I do, I listen to the goshdarn message of course. He says he hasn't heard from me, hoping I'm all right. He's concerned. Well, my birthday's coming up. If I'm just avoiding him or if he's not able to reach me...happy birthday...uh, ok just wanted you to hear me say that. Bye.
Now where do you think my brain went with that....that's right....straight up the codie tree like a scared chipmunk. I start feeling guilty and upset and thinking he's going to get angry that I'm not calling him and he's going to start stalking me, and he only really means well right, he did wish me happy birthday. I had to say WHOA NELLIE!!!!
I deleted the message and went right to my CoDa pattern of recovery reading and scrolled right to the section on not living in other people's emotions and letting others live their own lives. It helped a great deal but it's going to take a few readings of that and all this chatting with you here on SR to get past this.
We can get past these things. We can and we will!
Alice