Thread: Relations with codependent person...
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Old 09-21-2009, 01:26 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Learn2Live
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Startled,

I am not angry at all. I am sorry my words came across as angry. I can be very blunt but I assure you I am not angry at you or judging you, I don't even know you.

Are you trying to say you know better than me about me?
No, I don't know you. I read your post and see things you don't see.

Isn't that called codependency?
Codependency is many things. As you have said, you only knew about codependency from a theoretical standpoint. Many people on Sober Recovery know about codependency personally and are trying to answer your post accordingly.

This is a discussion and both sides' arguments are the main part of it, aren't they?
Yes. And BOTH you and I are communicating with eachother, not arguing. I don't argue. I tell you the way I see it. You are free to agree or disagree with anything I say. It won't hurt my feelings.

And I am *not* looking for help for her... I state that again: I am not here to help her, so your presumption is not true from the beginning.... But I don't ask for help I would rather call it a 'how to support'. I am just trying to find the best way how to be supportive but not disturbing.
I apologize; I must have misunderstood your original post when you said that you were "looking for help anyway." What kind of help are you looking for if you are not looking for help for her? I realize you would rather not call "support" the same as "help" but it is the same. Supporting someone is a form of helping someone.

I do not look for codependency. I know codependency very well. What I am trying to tell you is, although you say you are a very strong person, that you do not allow oother people to affect your feelings about yourself, are resilient and persistent, are not angry, etc., many of the things you have written about yourself in your posts are descriptions of codependency.

There are many many facets of codependency. And while there are some basic characteristics of codependency, everyone behaves differently. Also, although many people would disagree with me, it is my opinion that Codependency is more a description of a way of relating to others and not a characteristic of a person.

What I am saying is, there are very specific things you say in your posts that indicate that you may be relating to this woman in a codependent manner. Your defenses are up when it comes to this codependency thing.

You keep saying that SHE IS CODEPENDENT but you are NOT. Startled, In order for there to be a CODEPENDENT relationship, there must be TWO people involved, both of whom are DEPENDENT on very specific attitudes, feelings, and behaviors of the other person. You sound to me like you are involved in a Codependent relationship whether you would like to admit it or not.

It may help you to put down your guard for a moment or two and allow yourself to think not whether or not you ARE codependent, but rather, perhaps, For what reason are you so concerned about simply "supporting" this woman and your relationship with her, that you are going out of your way to talk to a therapist, read books about how to help her, and searching on the internet about Recovery from addiction and codependency? Especially since you say she doesn't even want to talk to you face-to-face?

We are very much like you and you are very much like us. We, as "codependents" wonder what that other person is thinking and feeling, why that other person just disappeared, see the other person as a great and valuable person, get along very well with them, love them so much we only want to help them, do our best not to make them angry, want to know the best way to behave around them, focus on the relationship, and blame things like the other person's therapist or family to explain the other person's behavior. We also think the other person is a wonderful person and deserves better in life. We agree with and understand everything you have said about yourelf, this woman, the relationship, and the situation you are in. We have lived it and talked about it, and helped others through it, many of us since we were children.

You indicated that you did not know what to do and that you felt really lost. I have to say that this is an indication to me that you ARE allowing your feelings to be affected by this woman's behavior.

Here is your response to Bernadette:
Dear Bernadette, I think you're missing the simple fact that I am not codependent nor addicted. I don't need to focus on my own problems because I don't have any (yes, I'm rather lucky man indeed). I don't need to heal nor change myself because I don't have any problems with emotions, feelings and myself either. The only problem for now is this relationship. And I am focused on it now.
What you have said to Bernadetter is classic Denial. If you want to "support" your friend, you may want to look into "Denial" and what that means, and see how it applies to YOU. Or, ask someone here and they will discuss it with you.

I wish you well. Take care.
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