working
So i stopped drinking on 14th July...
I have not been working since then and started a job last Thursday, with an official start date of today. It is the same work i was doing whilst drinking and gambling.
I have lost the mental obvsession (miracle) since stopping and have done some very hard work with my sponsor on the steps of AA, and have been regularly attending meetings.
This afternoon i was outside having a cigarette, then my mind drifted to last year in Barcelona and how i would have done things different if i could go back in time, why did i mess it all up? Why am i 38 and basically have nothing yet earn 6 figures a year? Wondering why i didn't go out to more wine bars and meet nice women, why did i always end up at home early drinking until i was ready to slump into a stupor? Wouldn't i now go back and just drink socially as i would be going to the gym and looking as good as i do now, slim, suited and booted. My confidence level would be growing like it is now and i would not feel so ashamed. Maybe i could go out now and it would be different? What about if i just took a little money to the casino and just had a few drinks instead of getting drunk, bet there are some cute girls in the marina tonight! If i go to the gym first then go out that would be ok and i'll bet someone from the office will be going out. This lasted on and off for about 3 hours, at times pacing up and down outside the front of the office building mumbling to myself.
Ok so this is what happened, i realised that it was all a lie, the only reason i would do things different now is because i am not the same person i was last year, or 3 months ago come to that...yes the guy now would be able to socialise better, would be up for doing more things, would continue being healthy, dressing up and working out...will have more money and a home...this is because the guy is now sober! I decided i was not going to fight the thoughts i was having and i knew they would go eventually. I realised that i was only having these thoughts because i was doing exactly the same job as before and, of course, i was going to have feelings associated with the work when i was in the old behaviour.
There are a few reasons why i came home, eat some dinner, had a quick snooze and am now enjoying watching the office whilst surfing SR:
1. God
2. AA
3. working the program/steps
4. Speaking to sponsor (he actually laughed and said yep normal, then we had a chat about it)
5. Committment to sobriety through AA including friends that i may lose, meetings that i would be potentially too embarassed to go to, going to the meeting in spain on saturdays, going for a meal with my new friends from AA on saturday nights, daily coffees with new friends and the shame and guilt that i remember as if it was yesterday.
Cunning, baffling and powerful...indeed!
I said to my sponsor tonight...i would be ****** without AA and i know 100% i would!
On a lighter side i see a CBT counselor (worked in residential 12 step for 20 years) every week, he is working alongside the AA program which is odd in itself i know, but he has seen me change a lot so is happy to suppport me. His last words on Friday were 'either this job will make you stronger and you will grow considerably in your sobriety or this job will make you relapse'...i thought yeah no way on the latter! Then my sponsor said much the same on Saturday night but also said that i was ready and that Someone wanted to see how i would handle it...you know they are both always right...consistently!
It's been a real good day:-)