where do I begin?
I've been using something since I was 13 years old, pot for twenty years. Of course it's true that we move on and I did, to pain pills. Been doing a strange drug called Ultram for ten years or so, a "supposedly" mild pain killer with minimal addictive qualities. Now they find it is really pretty bad and soon it will be schedule 2 narcotic whereas now you can get it over the internet. Anyway, it's too late for this guy, I was taking twenty or thirty a day for years. Still I held it together, hold a good job with a bright future. A year ago I divorced, she divorced me, the last straw was the money I spent on pills.
So now I live with the knowledge I drove away a loving and beautiful wife, pills are more important. I feel like nobody knows what addiction is like, it's a trap that pulls harder the more I need to get away from the pills. Of course that's not true, lots of people know what addiction is like, and got away from it. Anyway, I have graduated to "harder" drugs now and am ever so close to losing my house and job. I have access to very strong drugs which I use from time to time to cope with work. i am very well liked at my job but it's only a matter of time before I lose control and cannot function anymore. Sometimes when I'm withdrawling I can't wait to get to work, I count the hours before I can go into the bathroom and have my fix. Then I'm "ok" for a day or so. Today is just such a day, I can tell myself a thousand times to NOT do it, but no sooner am I within reach, I reach for that fix which I know will make feel human again, instantly. I need sombody to help me realize I can feel human again without drugs, it's an issue of time I guess. I can either feel great right now or so and so in a few weeks. At least that's how it seems to go. I've spent a week in detox ten years ago and was free of drugs for five years. I thought I was cured, that was a huge mistake.
I've interviewed and will most likely be selected for a very nice, high pay job. AT that point I'll have to be drug tested AND will have to perform a job without free access to good drugs (morphine). I live in a small town and NA meetings are few and far for this busy father, but I know that is what I need now. You look like a good bunch of folks, I've been stuggling on my own with this for years, no friends, just an X wife who loves me and is waiting for me to "grow up" but I am so hooked. I have kids eight, nine, and ten whom I enjoy joint custody. I am a good person, but weak I guess, I have everything going for me, tall, handsome, well -spoken. Most people think I am innocent as the driven snow. If they only knew nights of misery, of withdrawl, then the rush of gratification that comes with a fix. It is a rollercoaster I have to get off of.