Thank you everyone for your support.
GiveLove, thankyou, I am looking after myself - I'm sleeping lots and not allowing myself to take on anything new.
The grief has caught me unexpectedly - in a way, it seems totally unfair. You finally find the courage to get rid of a horrendous, poisonous weight from your life and you feel this giddy sense of relief and release. What you don't expect is for this relief to turn to grief.
I guess it makes sense though, I have been carrying this damaging, poisonous heavy weight for so long that when it's no longer there, there is a tremendous sense of loss and pain. It doesn't matter that you are crying for something you never had (in my case, a good childhood with a mother and father who put me first and loved and cared for me above everything else) or for something that damages you (in my case, continued emotional and psychological abuse from my codie Mum and alcoholic brother plus a unspoken demand that I put their needs first and look after them), what matters is that you are grieving your losses and it is very raw and painful.
You think to yourself, why should I cry about these people but I'm not crying about them, I'm grieving my losses.
Regarding the stages of loss, I'm a bit like a ping pong ball, going from anger to tears to bargaining "If I do this (speak to my mother, send a letter to my brother) my reward will be two people who care about me". My head accepts my losses, my emotions just haven't caught up.
So, it will take as long as it takes, one teeny step at a time.
Thanks again for you thoughts, IWTHxxx