Hi,
this is my first post on this forum, so first of all I would like to greet everybody
.
Now, this post might look slightly weird for some people because I am not addicted to alcohol or any drugs either,
but I am looking for help anyway. Sorry if this post is so long, but I tried to make it as short as possible.
The story has begun in January 2008. Then some girl decided to start codependency therapy because of her relationship with alcohol addicted boyfriend. The alcohol has been a problem for 4 years in this relationship. The therapy has led her to abandon this relationship two months later. Accidentaly a month later we have met and started to spend some time together. Once we started to meet, she told me about her codependency and did let me decide
if I want to meet with her any further. I've made a desicion to continue because I realized we pretty much think in the same way and match together in many things. To state it clear- I do not regret the decision up to date (however I didn't know anything about codependency before). We spent lots of time together, she always said she is smiling when she does see me. In the meantime I started to learn as much as I could about codependency. I just wanted to understand some things and how to behave to give her as comfortable feelings as possible to not make her worrying about any dependency to me, to let her make decisions on her own, etc.
Everything looked fine, we spent time together, we called each other very often, we sent more than thousand smses per month, some deep feelings occured on both sides. As a part of therapy she made a decision to change her job and other minor decision were taken as well.
Six months later her therapist suggested to make a next step to an advanced therapy. She decided to start it. Suddenly our relations started to damage slightly. She was more often angry because of many things. Then it was the first time when I started to understand what codependency really is (I was familiar with theory only). I don't know what has happend in this advanced therapy, she didn't want to talk about it and always separated all her codependency problems from me (and I tried to not ask). But while our relations attenuate a bit, she still missed me, wanted to meet, but there was a rising distance between us (because of her job as well- she worked much more than in previous job). I knew she was getting very angry because she couldn't establish the normal relations with me, she was very bad about the distance, but she couldn't fix it. I knew she was affraid as well she could lose me because she couldn't give me what she thought I needed. On my side I have never put any pressure on her, I knew she, as a codependent person, had troubles in making decisions, expressions of feelings and emotions, so I have always accepted all of this because I understood the reasons and knew all of this will take a time. I have always repeated I understand all this and I am not angry about it. She still wanted to meet (as well as I did/do) and decided to take more individual therapy to understand what is going inside her and to work on personality more heavily.
All this took almost a year. This summer she was in hospital during her vacation because of other health problems and it took much longer then we thought. We wanted to spend some days during this vacation together but we of course couldn't. She was very angry about that too. Just right after she left the hospital she attended the therapy meeting and... I lost contact with her. Now I know the things got vary bad and she was desperated. She lost control of herself and her feelings and decided to take care only of herself, she even wanted to abandon the job. This was a month ago. Two weeks ago she started to answer smses, few days ago she even called me (imagine my surprise!) and we started to write just a little more smses again. It seems things are slowly getting back to those before hospital, but that's not as promissing as it could be. I would like to understand why is that, what is going on with her thought and feelings. May be is there a person in similar situation and could make some advice how to follow, how to behave in relation with her, not to make her more angry, how to try to start to work for better relations. Is that something wrong with the therapy or this is normal ?
I don't know what to do and I'm really lost in it, but I know this the last thing I ever wanted- to lose her... She is wonderful person and deserves better life than before like everybody else. Any hint, thought, advice will be very very appreciated. And sorry for my poor english. I am not native.
S.