JenT1968

Sorry this is a LOOOONNNNGGGG post

I love this forum,
I've been lurking here and reading and occasionally posting for years, and although I may be the slowest learner and mover forward on the block, creeping forward I am getting there!

I've been thinking about the things that have really helped me, and where I still struggle. Often it comes down to practical examples of how people handled things themselves, with all the details, so that I can try and put them into practice, some worked for me, others didn't, others worked later on.
People sharing “I felt better once I had let it go/forgiven them/surrendered/set boundaries/stopped engaging/detached/stopped worrying/accepted reality/whatever” were great. But for me, often I wasn't doing these things because I had no idea how to, not because I was stubborn and wilfully refusing to follow directions! How did you work on it? What did you DO with that slogan? Tell me the secret!!!!
I know that this is all the sort of stuff that you probably can sort out with a sponsor, working those old steps, and definitely with a counsellor but we're not all in that position.
I'm going to put down a few of my favourites: the practical tools, the words, the visualisations, the situation I used them in and how it helped me. I would love it if people would add theirs so I might get to see a few more.
So how do you deal with difficult people, verbal conflict, jealousy, anger, obsessions, boundary setting, control, accepting difficult realities, feeling less than others etc?

this is my first one:

Dealing with anger

I was taught not to show anger, but not what to do with it. In fact I thought that it was wrong to feel and to be angry, so I stuffed it waaaayyyy down. It often came out as depression (anger turned on myself).
With my AH, I was in a tailspin, I was stuffing so many emotions, trying to fit my experience of reality to his words that my anger often erupted, in harsh, painful, wounding words. I was angry a lot and the anger often felt like the only authentic emotion I was expressing. It also felt strong and powerful not weak and down-trodden, so in the moment it felt good to release all that rage, to be the powerful one. And for a few moments afterwards I was on a high. But then I would be exhausted and ashamed of myself, and because I was in a black and white world I felt worthless and accepted everything that was thrown at me for a while, all bad behaviour, because I was no better....

I am rubbish at stopping the explosion when it comes (and I hope someone will come along with practical tips for me....) so I try to 1) stop it getting to that point and 2) if that doesn't work try and calm it down as soon as possible straight away, and apologise if necessary.
I try and remind myself as often as possible that anger is natural and necessary emotion, it isn’t bad or good, just there. My feelings don’t define me.
Firstly, I acknowledge that I am feeling ticked off - without judgement, it is just a feeling! and this means that I actually say to myself (in my head or out-loud or by writing it down) - as soon as I start feeling it: "I see I'm feeling angry, I don't like that X is happening". Not examining it, just describing it to myself.

If it persists after this and I find myself still feeling angry the next time it happens or the next day or whenever it rears again, I acknowledge it again, and I try a little examination (Al-Anon's "how important is it?"): again without judgement, not "I'm being stupid to get worked up about this" or "how important should this be" nor "how important do other people think this is" but "am I willing to devote my time and thoughts to this matter, is it worth that much to me?", will I care about this issue on my death-bed? in 10 years? after pay-day? when I've eaten and slept?

If I think it is important I try not to bottle it up, I try and address it calmly with the person when I am slightly irritated, at that point I can keep it light.

If I think its not worth my energy but it still gets to me, I try and work out if I am ascribing the anger to the right thing (e.g. I'm feeling angry that you left the towels on the floor again. I've decided really isn't worth my time getting frustrated over, but it still bugs me. Eventually I realise this is because I think it demonstrates that you think of me as a servant who will pick up after you rather than a partner - I need to acknowledge, and if necessary raise that one)

Sometimes I need to feel the anger and give it an outlet too, to diffuse some of it, for example If I'm hopping mad and need to calm down before broaching a subject or if it's something I or someone else can't/is unwilling to change). I had to have it pointed out to me first though before any of these really worked, that shouting at someone in a rage is not the natural response to anger, it is just one of a range of possible responses, and one that I was doing because that is what I'd been shown to do as a child. Before my counsellor said this, I thought that dealing with anger in any other way, was a sort of second best substitute that would help me avoid the "natural" but abusive way to deal with anger. I also had to be given examples, because I searched on the internet for "healthy outlets for anger" and came up with lots of things that said it was imperative that people do this but no help on what this might constitute.

Then I can try and write it all down with a big thick angry pen, I have wrapped pages of anger round pebbles and hurled them into rivers thinking in my head (or yelling if there's no-one around!) what exactly I was angry about and releasing that anger into the river with a physical motion.

I like the idea of painting a big picture with powerful angry brush-strokes. For me, this bit needs to be a combination of feeling the anger properly in all its force and then symbolically getting it outside of myself with some sort of physical activity, (that doesn't involve shouting at people!).

I have a friend that "digs" out her anger in the garden, and one that runs it away.

I often need to repeat the last bit!

I am looking forward to reading what has helped you most in difficult situations.