Welcome..You have def found an outlet.
There is alot of support here.
I cant much more to what has already been posted.
I do want to share a story with you tho if you dont mind.
I got pregnant back in 96. First time ever. I was using crack for the first 2 mos because I didnt know I was preg. When I found out I stopped completely. Got my butt out the streets and got a job. Did everythign I was suppose to. Until my BF, baby father started bringing the **** into the house."To sell". Me being the addict I am cant just let free drugs sit in my own house.
So knowingly preg I took the whole package and locked myself in the bathroom while he was sleeping. I told him when he woke up that I flushed it because I didnt want it in the house.
A few weeks later we got in a huge fight and he backed me into a corner and puched me in the face and threw to the floor and then followed me to my car a nd jumped on me in my car and choked me. Our room mate had to pull him off me. Thats the first time he ever layed a hand on me.
So I took off and disappeared to the streets and crack motels for a couple days.
He came looking for me and found me. Ended up chasing me down the highway at high speeds because Iw as scared to stop.
I finally did.
I went home to my grams after that. Not too long after that I went for a routine check up for the baby.
It usually only takes a few minuted to find the heartbeat. The lady was taking more like half an hour. She told me she was sending me to the womens hospital for an ultra sound. Again there I am on the table waiting for over an hour this time while they do the ultrasound.
The nurse leaves and comes back and tells me the babys heartbeat is faint. That it will be dead in 2 days.
I have never felt so sick to my stomach and my geart literally felt like it was cramping.
I went home and lost it. I thought I was going to go on a complete self destructive rage episode. My Bf was suppose to come home to be with me. He never came home. He decided to go hang in a strip club all night and spend the night who knows where.
I couldnt believe he did that to me.
2 days later I had a d & C to have the baby removed.
I am lucky they didnt test me or I would have been arrested.
Needless to say we just went on a complete crack binge that lasted for about another year or so.
Dope love.
I left him in Florida when we became homeless because we would rather get high than have a place to live.
I will never forget standing on the sidewalk on A1A Daytona Beach with all our stuff stacked beside us. Nowhere to go. No money and no one to help us.
I went back home and that was pretty much it for us.
I will never forget what I did to my baby. Its not proven that my drug use caused it. But I know it didnt help at all.
I still havent forgiven myself for it.
And now....I cant have kids. That was my only chance. The BF was gunned down in Florida in 2005.
Focus on what matters. It doesnt sound like he is it.
Love yourself and your baby. He isnt going to anything until he is ready. And he will only drag you down with him.
I hope you make the right choices for you and your baby.
I hope you stick around too.