ApprovalPending

I thank you all for your time and thoughts. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of what's in our hearts and heads. Saying it's complicated may be just an excuse, but it doesn't make it untrue. I know things need to change.

Today Chris' mother called looking for him, not something which usually happens. (I was out volunteering for 'Food Not Bombs', trying to get myself out and my mind more active and healthy.) When I called her back, I had the rare opportunity to share my concern with the two friends of his who are from around her area. He goes there and has met up with them in the past, and they are both addicted to heroin, among other things. I think I mentioned before that he's been in contact with them and I'm not 100% sure about why, but I have my suspicions.
Anyway, I told her I was concerned, that I cannot control what he does. I kept it short but I think it really got through to her. (which reminds me Dee, love the T.S. Eliot quote.) It's not winning the war, but it's one battle won. Chris is still her son, and she'll believe him for the most part when he has whatever he has to say.

Today wasn't as bad with Chris. I'm trying to give it time. I see him trying in some ways, but it just doesn't look like enough. We got along mostly. I was out of the house shopping for food most of the day. When I came home, he didn't want to see what I had gotten, so I knew something was wrong, when I remembered that it was Monday. Time to fill his prescription. Well, apparently the pharmacy screwed up again, which according to him, happens all the time. We do the Rite Aid dance, where I'm just hoping it goes well so he's not so irritable. Well, I got some mumbled explanation about Rite Aid not being where he wanted it filled, that CVS was where he was trying for, then something about the people at Rite Aid pharmacists being rude, but do you know what he sounds like when he calls, insisting that they SHOULD be able to do something? He sounds like somebody who needs help. I can't tell him any of this, and I have tried. I figure at this point, it's better to let him be and say what he really means to.

Anyway, rambling again. When I came back and sat down next to him, the little argument raged until I calmly left the room. He came into the room I was in, asked why I left the room, and wasn't happy with me saying I didn't want to argue, that it was petty. He just keeps pushing sometimes, saying things that aren't reasonable even in an argument, or especially. It gets to me, how can I stop it from getting to me like it does?

That is the one thing, if anything, I'd like an opinion on. How, when somebody keeps pushing you, and even when you walk away won't quit, can you not let it get to your core? I'm trying different things, niceness will occasionally work, but only when it's admitting fault or ignoring things. Coming back to the issues at a "better" time hasn't worked. I go to my sister's, across the street sometimes. Anger does not work, but it's where my mind and emotions go nowadays.

After posting last night, I was able to be a little nicer today instead of going right to angry. It made it a little easier. I guess I'm also afraid that he'll eventually catch on though, and he'll ignore my attempts to just keep the conversation calm. I wish I knew how much his meds and whatever drugs he could be on really played a part in all of this. He was calmer before bed after taking 'x' amount of Somas.

Oh, more importantly, we met with our new social worker from children and youth this morning. I made sure to get an email for her as well as her number. We signed a family plan, and basically it's some more waiting, 5 weeks now, and 2 more or so until they send a drug and alcohol evaluator out to recommend or not recommend treatment. I also have a mental health goal. So it will still be a while, but I'll be back at work soon. I waited until later to call the same social worker and told her I had some concerns. I asked if vicodin and heroin would fall into the same category in a drug test. Would you believe that it would? It's a loophole I suspected he already knew about. The social worker said she'd look into it and ask questions when I asked if they did further (usually not? because it's more expensive) testing to differentiate the two, and of course there are more opiates that they'd have to differentiate between. He has a history of excessive heroin abuse. I just can't accept that he could actually do these things without any consequences because he just keeps switching drugs as needed. I want him to get help, and I wish they'd throw him in rehab, but life doesn't work that way, does it? I think he wants help sometimes, but I am just not sure.

I haven't thought about drugs for myself, drinking maybe, but no drugs. Sitting outside of my sister's apartment, I smelled pot coming out of somewhere, but it kind of made me sad because I don't have my son. Not because of pot, and I always thought pot was harmless. I still kind of do, but I'm not tempted because it comes at too high a cost. I miss my son every day, and I worry constantly that even though he appears healthy and normal, that his mental development may not be normal, and I get angry when I think that I have to wait and find out, that I can't just know right now if I caused him any more harm. I worry that his left eye gets lazy occasionally and may be a warning sign. Is that normal for a newborn? Chris' stepmom says it's fine, but she went to the doctor with him, and I didn't. I will love my son no matter what, but I'd like to know. I made a promise when he was born that I'd protect him forever. I really miss him. His big beautiful blue eyes make me happy, but they also make me sad sometimes. He wasn't in the NICU but the worse thing of all is, that I delivered early the day after doing cocaine and it could have caused me to go into labor. It could have been worse and I can't point the finger at anybody else but myself.

I've got this meeting in the morning for this matched savings program I'm doing. Trying to get back to school maybe in the late Spring. Not sure about a major yet. I just want to give my son more. And I'd like him to be proud of me for doing something right.