TakingTime

Hi everyone.I haven't posted on here lately cos I've been so busy with starting a new job and looking for somewhere to live, but I've been occasionally reading some of the threads and it helps keep me going.

I've been doing okay on the whole, in fact feeling positive...but I'm feeling very fragile now after a horrible conversation with my XABF, who sadly I still have to live with (having exhausted other options) for another 2 weeks until I finally (yay!) have a paycheck of my own and can move out into my own place.

Basically he'd been drinking earlier on (it was very obvious), came home and passed out, but when he woke up hours later was still not 'right'...and came and started a confrontational conversation with me at 9 pm while I was trying to apply for jobs online b/c my current job is only short term contract (my precious evening time when my little one's asleep...I don't get much of it, so I was already on edge).

He went on about how he WILL get our son vaccinated and he will NOT be homeschooled (always been contentious topics for us). Trying to be wise and Al-Anon-ish, I said, okay, I definitely will discuss this with you, but I don't think now is the time. Well, he just wouldn't take no for an answer. I suppose I could have left the room but I knew that'd make me look even 'wrong'-er and somehow I guess I got sucked in. It is just SO SO maddening I want to SCREAM that he shows so little sign of interest in our son, spending no time with him, chooses to spend all his time not at work drinking and being passed out from drinking (yet blames his lack of time with him, on 'working full time' - like the rest of the world's dads don't also work!), yet he wants the final say on issues that are very, very close to my heart with regard to my son's welfare. Anyway, I tried to discuss it rationally but soon I was in tears and he was practically shouting. I just felt in so much pain as the tears came because I kept thinking 'I had a child with THIS man! I wish I was with someone who could really be the father he deserves'. It just KILLS me.

I am willing to have a dialogue with him, I'm by no means saying 'my way or the highway'...but it's just so hard when he is not taking up the responsibilities side of 'rights and responsibilities'. He refuses to research any of the issues he is adamant about, just says 'this is what's happening, and you've had your way up to now, now it's not happening anymore b/c we 're not together anymore.'

I am working Step one the past few weeks with a new sponsor, and my god is this relevant, b/c I am so powerless over his relationship with our son, so powerless over how he treats him, so powerless over the fact that it's all gone pear-shaped. I guess it's good in a way b/c I've been a bit cut off from my grief about the end of the relat, so focussed on practicals like jobhunting etc. I don't know what to do. I desperately don't want my son to be vaccinated and I don't know how to deal with an irrational person who won't even READ the stuff I've read or go to the talks I've gone to that have convinced me not to vaccinate. It's like...if he would do that, I would at least be able to have a reasoned debate with him, and perhaps we could find some middle ground. I suggested getting a mediator (as my lawyer suggested) but he of course was totally dismissive of that.(and by the way I am aware this vaccination issue is a controversial one and some of you may have strong opinions, but it's not really the point - it's about him being well-informed and open to a proper discussion, which he's not - he even said 'I want him to go to the surgery tomorrow and have all the shots in one go' which they don't even do! shows how much he knew about it).

I can't help but feel he's just trying to wind me up and have the satisfaction of seeing me in pain b/c he KNOWS this stuff kills me. He's convinced that i don't care at all about the breakup and am blithely 'swanning' on, so I think for him to see me cry is prob quite satisfying.

Anyway I needed to just have a rant about it amongst people who understand. My sponsor's away on holiday right now. I just feel really devastated by it all right now. Thank you anyone who made it to the end of this...for listening.