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I needed somewhere, anybody, to vent to. Ever feel like you just can't talk to people around you because they don't suspend judgment? I need that. I am 22 years old and I have a newborn that lives with my boyfriend's father and stepmother because I tested positive for cocaine at the time I delivered. I live in PA with my boyfriend. I have not used any drugs since before I delivered on August 11th, and I believe that I will not relapse. I'm not saying I wasn't beginning to become addicted. I hate myself everyday for my decisions and I'd give anything to be with my little angel again.

Before meeting my boyfriend, I drank and smoked pot a bit more than occasionally. I met my boyfriend Chris that way, and his place was drug and party central. He's 26 years old. I could write books upon books and I really feel like I need to, and that I should just keep writing to get it out. My boyfriend has tried every drug known to man, he knows everything there is to know about drugs, interactions of alcohol, drugs, prescription drugs. He takes vicodin, tramadol (muscle relaxer) neurotin, and soma. I think that is the current list anyway. I'm not sure how much of each, but he gets scripts from different doctors to maximize what he can get. He had an accident and had a crushed vertebrae and had surgery back in december that he claims made it worse. It may have, but he has lied, and continues to munipulate his mother, his whole family, and me against one another for his own gain. I guess I still love him. If I kick him out, he'll be homeless. I also need the help with rent at least for next month. He's going to college and gets money back next month, so he'll be helping out since I can't go back to work until the 22nd. I feel like I have no choice. Then I'm sure some women can't relate to the emotional obligation I feel, like I'm waiting for him to mess up, so I can have that "solid" reason to walk away from the constant fighting, the slamming of the doors...

I've never been an angry person, but I actually feel like hurting him when he says the horrible things he says to me. I hit him for the first time when he threw something at me. He caught my pinky mostly, but he bruised. He told his mother about it, and I want somebody to believe me when I say it was not as bad as he makes it out to be. To be called a "bitch", "****", having him use my sexual experiences with ex-partners. It doesn't stop until I'm yelling, and I feel depressed and I go straight to angry now, I skip over being nice anymore. I hate what I've become. I want my baby back. I want him to get help and actually want it, not because he's being forced to. I'd like him to at least stop telling his mother bad things about me. I experimented with quite a few drugs after meeting him. I never blamed him for the choices I made to do drugs, but it was his contact people. If he isn't around, drugs are never an issue. I started occasional cocaine use only after half-way through my pregnancy, and more the last month of pregnancy after our fighting got worse. It was the only time we got along. I have to go to mental health through the children and youth, and emotional issues, I'm sure, are the reasons of mine for doing what I do. I need to understand myself more, to learn and make better choices. I wish I could say it was all about the drugs, and what I have to do different, but it's more about this relationship from hell. I'm just waiting for him to mess up, but that's a horrible way to live. I'd rather work things out, but I can't be the only willing party, ya know? I feel so stuck. 99% of me knows I'd be better of without him. I wish I could say that I don't need him.

I check his email. It's wrong and he doesn't know, but I wouldn't find out most of what I do if I wasn't paranoid enough to do so. I am sad to say I am often right when paranoid about his behavior. A friend of his asked him just yesterday if he knew of any smack around. He may even meet up with him on Wednesday. He had told me he traded his meds for morphine pills from this friend, and I think he had been doing heroin, snorting, again. Probably not recently, but he had met up with him at least in late July, if not in August. I can't get solid proof on that though, so I'm thinking it's not worth confronting him about just yet or he'll know how I found out. He runs out of his medication, and fills scripts often, sometimes paying like $65 out of pocket because insurance won't cover more than so many pain pills a month. I can't keep track of any of it. I never know what he's been on and he has been on vicodin since I met him 3 years ago. He has been on so many things, lied, and I kept coming back. I should have left many times, and now I am more stuck than ever. He once was drinking, on about 3 different types of pills, plus valium, so messed up driving, then in his father's house, stealing some child's a.d.d. medication that his stepmother looked after during the day, dropping pills everywhere. When I tried to stop him, and I was at work and had just got off so I was unaware of all of what he was actually on. That's the only time he ever hit me. And threw me into walls, dragged me down steps, tried to hit me with my van, and much more. I forgave him and I guess I really haven't completely. I can't explain why I'm still here. I have always sought to understand things, and I just can't understand why I feel so stuck. I can be clean. I promise myself, and whoever will hear it. I have too much to lose. There is always the possibility, but I promise because "I promise to try" just isn't good enough. How can he love drugs more, and be so unwillng to stop?

Who am I anymore?