Under Construction
Ok so toothache and lack of anti depressants may have made me a bit delirious the other night but this thought kinda came to me. I am fifteen months sober now and while I am enjoying my sobriety I did what I was told not to and got into a relationship within the first fifteen months. Infact...I got into two lol. I know they told me not to but I'm an alcoholic - I learn the hard way!
I let someone into my life and I am really struggling to pick myself back up again. My feelings of inferiority are coming out to play. Jealousy, anger, all my character defects reared their ugly heads. Then I started to think - have I actually changed at all? Will I always feel this way when I'm with someone?
Then the other night during the toothache and the rotten withdrawals from my tablets (I simply ran out and suffered for it!) I realised that not once had the thought of a drink crossed my mind. I was in a lot of pain and my emotions were up and down but alcohol didn't enter my head. I may not be the person I'm going to be but I'm certainly not the person that I was. I got through it - I even went to the dentist for the first time in about nine years!
Then this is where the "under construction" heading has come from. I'm like a building that is being renovated. My higher power - whom I choose to call God is like the architect. I have handed my will and my life over everyday for the past year or so - ever since I did my step 3 - and he is working through me and he is designing the building (or person lol) that will be the new me. If I let other people into this building right now they might try to become the architect. And if I let them do that I'm taking that power away from God. Then I could end up with a building that I don't even like! So for now, my Under Construction sign should be up until at least two years sober. Noone is allowed to come in and start trying to take over!
Sorry if that was random but I'm feeling a bit low today so thought I'd empty my head a bit. Think it's just general tiredness and still a bit of toothache coupled with a head cold. Really missing the human contact of my ex girlfriend. Just really want to be held at the moment but know that my inner peace has to come from not being held and not having someone else tell me I'm alright but being at one with myself and trusting my higher power to design a building that is beyond my wildest dreams!
xxxxx