Hey Bookwyrm you didn't come on too strong. You were absolutely right. I'm like you - I don't like violence either. I was in shock with myself the three times I did it. He is the only person I've ever acted like that with. I honestly don't try to make myself out to be something that I'm not. Generally I am very laid back - too much so, in his words, which is why I was so shocked he could drive me to this. In his own words though he likes women who will stand up to him and be a challenge.
All I remember doing is apologising over and over and over and over, for days and weeks after but he said it was his fault as he was trying to get a rise out of me the first couple of times.
TC I am working on myself as we speak. Re-reading co-dependent no more and highlighting all the bits which fill me with a sense of calm, and give me the strength to let him go. So once I've finished it, every time I start thinking of him, I can pick out a particular passage and it will remind me how much better off without him I am.
At the weekend I found out he is definitely still drinking and he is also telling lies to his ex - the mother of his children - who doesn't know about his new girlfriend and doesn't know she has met the kids. So now he has the kids lying to their mother.
I know I need to let go of him but in a stupid kind of way I can't at the moment. It seems the more negative stuff I find out about him then the more I try to find out - so that I know I'm better off without. It's weird and I can't explain it but it's like I am clinging on to him - in a bid to catch him out and find out bad stuff about him - so in a way it reinforces in my head everything you guys and my friends think about him being bad and then I find it easier to say I'm better off without him. Does this make sense? It's kind of like tightening my grip to let go a bit easier.
Oh, I know what I mean anyway!!!!
I have computer problems at work and home so haven't been on here all weekend. God I've missed the therapy you all provide.