I sobered up the first time back in the middle 70's. I was so ill with major depression along with my alcoholism that I, too, didn't want to go back to my family of four children & my husband. They didn't have sober houses then so I went back home and soon made the decision to leave all the kids with my husband.
I went to stay with a worker from the tx. center & she was a really wise lady. She had an answer for every question I had. I got a job at a nursing home but was still too ill to work so went to my parents to stay a couple weeks. I ended up going home and a year went by before I asked for a divorce. My husband still drank so I knew it wasn't going to work.
I took our youngest son with me & his two sons & our daughter stayed with their Dad. I don't remember when I started drinking again but I know I lived in the madness of quitting & not able to stay quit for 14 more years with another marriage & a divorce.
I sobered up in 1988 & have been sober since then & continue to take meds for my Chronic Depression/Anxiety. During this 21 years I finished college with a BA Degree in Psychology, worked at the local Mental Health Center & made a career change when I was 50 years old.
I am retired and remarried to my first husband who also is retired and doesn't drink anymore. I had to do this my way or it wouldn't have worked. I finally admitted that I had to sober up for myself and accept help from others & I did attend AA, which really helped me when I got the grasp of it.
My depression is a life long illness that was first diagnosed when I was a teen. At that time I would have periodic depressions usually situational. When I found that I had some fun times with alcohol...I quit my meds & self-medicated (what they call it now) with alcohol but of course that didn't work.
Since alcohol is a depressant it just made my depression worse. I kept on with drinking with an "I don't care attitude" and that just led me to another illness along with my depression & anxiety.
When I quit in 1988 I wanted to be sober more than anything else in my life. I had progressed to a daily drinker after work. I looked terrible and felt terrible about me. By then all my older children were on their own with their own lives & I had my youngest daughter with me still.
I can relate to some of what you said about your wife. I was so uncertain & didn't trust myself or others. I had to do what was suggested by my counselors to get well enough to connect with others. I did resent anyone telling me what I needed to do or what had to be done.
I had too many traumatic events to deal with all through my life & some were while married to my first husband and some while married the second time to the father of my youngest daughter.
My mind, body, & soul were so broken it took a long time to put myself back together. Even though I went to counseling I still had a lot of work to do myself to get better. My first husband helped me a lot & knew when to back away too.
We have a life of grandkids, kids all over the United States & two near us. We help take care of each other which is hard a lot of the time. But we have that kind of love that doesn't need to be spoken most of the time. It is there and we feel it between each other.
I hope your wife can get through these hard times for her and hope you can too. The co-dependency is a very true issue and needs to be broken for it all to work. I don't know if you know about Alanon or not...it is simular to AA but for the friends & relatives of the alcoholic.
I felt in the beginning some of the counselors in treatment centers are too quick to talk about divorce or separation...no one...not even the alcoholic knows the real issues and how they affect the family and their true feelings. I was too ill to decide that I wanted a divorce & realized I had made a big mistake on down the road.
A lot is said about life and how to live on life's terms in AA. I feel a little different about my life. I had lots of things to fix and change in my life and it is different for everyone because we are not all the same nor do we have all the same problems to face on life's terms. But we have the ability to take our own life & change it as we begin our sober life.
One of my main issues is the fact that I need space & time to myself to be able to keep my head on straight. I still cannot handle stress very well even if I want too...so do just take it a day at a time & use the Serenity Prayer & meditation to get through my days.
I wish you well & hope your wife will find her way back to you if it is in her program of recovery.
kelsh