Originally Posted by
confusedfiance 
the thoughts of hurting my fiance are not constant, just fleeting. again, i am feeling many different emotions at different times of the day. most times, i just feel sadness and sorrow.
he thinks i should be more active in getting better. maybe i don't want to be.
Hi Confused... glad you are posting here with us. This forum is full of support and encouragement. Be sure to keep reading and posting.
The above quote about hurting your fiance... you're not alone in these thoughts. It's the insanity of addiction and co-dependency. We try everything we can to fix our loved ones addiction... our loved ones put us through horrible things... I know mine sure did... and like the razor incident with your fiance.... everything builds up... and we just want to hurt them like they hurt us. Or sometimes we just want out... like suicide. When we are so beaten down by the disease, we can have these horrible thoughts.
A good friend of mine here once said... Since she started attending Al-anon,
she hadn't planned a murder or a suicide since. See, working on getting yourself heathly, putting the focus on you and your happiness will get you to a better place, where these thoughts (not that you would act on them) will disappear.
I hope you'll try to find a face to face meeting and keep reading and posting here. Learn all you can about addiction. A good book to read is "Co-dependent no More" by Melody Beatty. And the sticky posts at the top of this forum are loaded with good information.
Keep posting! We're glad you're here.