What is Real? Looking Objectively...
Hi Jason,
What I see from your posts is that you are constantly assessing and reassessing your situation....trying to figure out what she is doing, what she will do, how you can manage her and her addiction.
Doesn't that make you tired?
For me, Love cannot be drugery. Love cannot be backbreaking or heartwrenching. Love has to be mutual, and expressed in actions... by both.
How do I know what is real when my addicts lie? We all know addicts in active addiction lie..lie..lie. How can we tell? Their lips are moving. Nasty, but true.
But get this... WE lie, too! We say, "never again"... "this is the last time"... "I won't allow this" .... "I will leave you". And do we do it? Well, I never did.
So I reread some of your stuff and looked at only the ACTIONS you mentioned. She is happy when you take care of her, and when she is stronger, she leaves you and does whatever she wants, whenever she wants with no regard for you or her children.
Doesn't make her a bad person. She isn't a bad person who needs to get "good"... she is a sick person, who needs to get "well".
I had a counselor ask me once... If my addict had hot meals, warm bed, roof over her head, television, phone, car, a bathroom filled with everything she needed AND her meth (her drug of choice). WHY WHY WHY would she EVER choose sobriety?
These are things for you to think about. And while you are thinking about them, you might find some relief, as I did, at Alanon or Naranon meetings.
These rooms are filled with men and women, husbands, wives, parents, siblings and friends of alcoholic and addicts. They ARE going through what you are going through. They have found ways to manage their lives, and after a few weeks, when you see a man walk through the door with fear etched all over his face, and YOU know that with a little time HE will feel better, you will get how the program works. We just share experience, strength and hope ... without giving advice. Each of us learns at our own pace, and we love one another through some very difficult times.
I wish you well. ((hugs)))