When I first started going to Al Anon and read the steps, these 3 words paralyzed me. I was totally incapable of making a decision. I was constantly filled with fear, knowing that if I made a decision it would most likely be the wrong one and there would be more rage filled words and actions directed at me and my children. I know now that it was one of many coping mechanisms I employed in order to make a crazy situation feel more normal.
And, as I have mentioned previously, I had made my A the higher power in my life. Working the first two steps meant I had to come to some scary realizations: I was powerless over the disease that was prevalent in my home. I was powerless over the actions of an unpredictable and raging man who was spiraling out of control himself. I had to admit that my life was unmanageable.... and if
I couldn't manage it, who would??? Working Steps One and Two allowed me to fire the god of my childhood and to get a new, kinder, gentler Higher Power whom I could trust.
I had to understand that a power greater than I was ~ and one who was NOT my A ~ could restore me to sanity. I remember crying with my sponsor, saying I had no idea what sanity looked like. I had lived in craziness long enough that it was normal to me. She had me list some things about my life, and then write down the opposite. By doing that, I started to make an outline of what "sanity" might look like: peaceful, serene, dinnertime without shouting and accusations and someone running crying from the table, waking up happy and looking forward to the day instead of full of trepidation about what the day might bring. Kids coming home from school with a smile, telling me about their day instead of immediately asking "what kind of mood is daddy in?" with fear filled eyes.
That was what sanity might look like in my home.
And finally, with Step 3, I was asked to make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him. I had to break that step down, and as DesertEyes said in a previous discussion, I had to work it in reverse. I worked on developing a picture of God as I understood Him. Then, I looked at my will and my life, and imagined what it might be like to turn it over to someone/something who could handle it, gently and safely, wanting only what was best for me. And finally, I had to take that scary step and
make a decision.