Thanks a lot L2L. I don't know what hurts more, if thinking everything was a lie from the start, of thinking they had feelings but addiction won. Its just madness.
Sclarke:
'If a drunk can leave me for some woman who's not as smart, attractive or bright who's had four children by at least three different men, then what does that make me?'
The only difference between you and this woman is that she buys his BS and accepts/maybe even encourage his drinking. OR that she does not know the extent of his drinking yet.
Black & white, no grays. Either you are with the addiction or you are out.
queenie: you are sad because perhaps he does not know real love, well if he keeps making those choices he certainly won't - you cannot control him or cure him... but you are closer to feeling real love, the one that never dies (towards yourself and life/god/nature..) For real love there are no goodbyes.
A thought that helps me is knowing No Contact is just for 3 or 4 decades LOL and I will see this person again after death and we will laugh about it all.. that I will see him and all the other people that I miss, that deep down they all tried to teach me something and I need to be strong until then.
Also, at this rate and reading the stories here when my anger starts again I think "what if he only has other 10 years to live, why would I desire anything wrong to happen when he is already creating that and blind to the consequences" this helps me feel more compassion...
But honestly... I see this ex totally smiley, careless and seemingly having the time of his life and I wonder why we are suffering so much or are "worried" about them? when they do not worry about themselves or give a damn about anything... I guess that is alcoholism too, making others feel bad instead of themselves. I still recall a particularly bad night and his shrugging off the next day "I dont remember what I said" then munching Corn flakes as if everything was good. When confronted he said "I may not mean what I say while drunk"
....
One year afterwards those words still hurt like hell... but I realized my mistake was to believe he was as truthful as me.
I suffered a lot thinking he was this great person but just not TO ME, that he had so much for me before then decided to stop it.. now I realize he is just doing the best he can, what he has given is what he has, it all he has...
confusion.. its not that he purposedly hurt me or tried to made me feel bad, he just does not know anything else... its what addicts do... who I knew was the best him he could be and that was not good enough for TC999.
Today a friend told me "why do you care for someone who does not care about you" ... ouch.
