Originally Posted by
Learn2Live 
I am so glad that my weirdness is helpful, LOL!
This is so excellent! You are doing great in your recovery! You are courageously looking at yourself and seeing what is unhealthy. This will help you to make healthy decisions regarding this person in the future.
You are not alone. I think a lot of us progressed from partners in crime all the way to scapegoat. This progression reflects the progression of the disease.
Queenie, Sweetie Pie (I love to use Dessert names :O) I'm willing to bet a small, valuable farm animal that his claims were not lies. I'm willing to bet that he really did have these feelings for you. His disease prevents him from successfully acting on these feelings and attaining what the person inside him truly wants. It is apparent that at this time, he realizes that he cannot have both a relationship with you and a relationship with his addiction at the same time.
He will choose his addiction over you or anyone else, or anything else, EVERY time. Until he decides he does not want to live that way anymore.
In retrospect, I probably should not have used the word, "discarded." A person cannot be discarded. Perhaps it would be better to look at it as the addict making the choice not to include the non-enabler in his life. Sorry about that.
Queenie, you are not a piece of trash that can be discarded. You are a beautiful, caring, worthy human being.
Queenie, He did not throw you away. He is pursuing what his addiction tells him to pursue. What are you doing?
Try to stop beating yourself up about what you did in the past. Focus on today. Remember, decisions are not FOREVER. Who knows? This guy may be banging on your door in a week or so. They are so VERY unpredictable!
Try not to think of it as "turning your back on someone you love." If you are focusing yourself on making healthy decisions, and getting yourself better, you certainly are not turning your back on ANYONE. You're just taking care of yourself. When you decide to "turn your back on someone" that is VERY painful. Don't turn your back on him, take care of YOU.
Good lord Queenie, a week is not a very long time. I think you can handle a week away from another person, don't you?
What are you, a mind reader? You don't know what he wants. You're driving yourself crazy trying to figure out what HE wants. You can't do this because you're not "Magic Girlfriend" AND his wants change every single day.
What do YOU want?
Wait away, but in the meantime it would be healthiest for you to help yourself.
Ooh, another one I recommend is "Emotional Blackmail". A real eye-opener for me. Library probably has it.
Learn2Live...it's nice to hear you say that his feelings for me were probably genuine, but just that he couldn't successfully act on them or maintain those feelings because of his addiction. that makes me truly sad, that perhaps he may never be capable of achieving emotional intimacy with someone, maybe will never experience love. i know i can't worry about these things though, but i waiver between being really angry at him for not loving me how i need to be loved, and feeling pity because i realize that he is just not able, that maybe he does actually want to be close to somebody but just can't.
you're right, i am still beating myself up about what happened in the past, my crazy codie behaviors that reared their ugly heads and ultimately led to him kicking me out of his house. i'm working on forgiving myself. i think i've definitely made some progress, but i'm not there 100%. i still find myself asking my friends and family "am i a horrible person because of what i did." i've realized that they can tell me that no, i'm not a horrible person until they're blue in the face, but i'll keep asking those same questions until
I am able to tell myself that i'm not a horrible person. unfortunately i haven't gotten to that point yet.