Its so much more than just putting it down
You know I have been here for over 2 yrs. I never even gave recovery a thought until I found this site. I was lost in that doper mentality of thats how life was suppose to be. I was so lost in it that it really never dawned on me to try and stop.
I have had so much happen in this past 2 yrs. It seemed like the walls came crashing down when I acknowledged my addiction as a problem and decided to try and change. It seemed the more I was aware of my addiction and recovery. The worse I got. The harder it became. The more resentful I got.
And it was all in the awareness of it all.
You cant resent things you dont relize or think about.
So many false starts. So many realizations of how big of a problem it is.
I thought it would be faily simple. And it is. But not really.
I have always seen people say they had that moment of clarity. And I was like...What the heck are they talking about.
I had my pink cloud moments where all seemed wonderful and on the right track. But it was very short lived.
I fell hard every time off that dam cloud.
It was because I got too comfortable.
BUT..the biggest thing was that I wasnt doing anthing else besides putting the drugs down. I was living, thinking , acting the saem way. Just without being high. I wasnt making any type of progress in any aspect of my life. I was just a smokeless drug addict.
You all know I have felt like I have had a huge awakening the past few months.
It is sorta like the last ones. But not really. This feeling has been going strong for a few months now. I am still motivated and determined more than ever this round.
I really have no idea where this new found determination came from. I really dont care.
This all just seems so much different than before.
And I cant help but think that it has alot to do with effort and actions.
Before I didnt do much else. Just tried to not get high and that was it. Didnt last long. And found myself right back to square one many times.
This time..And without even thinking about it as recovery related. I have done quite a bit of progress within myself.
With school, my job, my family, How I think, How I react to things, How I feel. How I interact with the rest of the world. It is all different this time.
I find myself having normal converstions very easily with everyone. Making new friends. And reconnecting with old ones.
Just DOING things. Not just hoping they will happen on their own.
I am being more social with people at work. I dont feel liek a troll or something anymore.
I feel human for once. I feel like I have a purpose and that I matter.
I have this new confidence. I am excited about things that terrify me. LOL. Like school. I dont stess over money and bills anymore. I am doing anything I can to make my gram happy. I am talking with her more everyday. Spending more time with her. Playing more with the lil cousins. Being more patient with them and being the responsible adult I know I can be.
I still have my moments. But they are fewa and far between anymore. I have so many good days compared to bad ones.
I have hope and goals.
It is just like a lightbulb turned on.
It is just the best I have felt ever. The hope I have now is amazing. The gratitude for nothing at all that is driving me.
I am not scared anymore. Not ashamed.
I am just so excited about everything. Like a kid experiencing something wonderful for the first time.
It doesnt happen on its own. And it goes way beyond just putting the **** down.
Words cant explain how I feel inside and out.
I guess you could say that I may have had my moment of clarity.
I just wanted to share my thoughts. As I have been reflecting alot on this topic for awhile.
It wasnt pklanned. It just happened and I took it and ran with it.
And I aint stopping.