Wow, I never thought a forum could help so much, I am already trying to detatch myself from this hell, it's so horribly hard but I think this time I'm goin to make it. Maybe I really am in the right, place, I have become a recovering addict myself, just that I've been addicted to an addict, oh the irony.
I tried today to avoid talking to him as much as I could, and I'm goin to do this for a while now, but I still want to try and make this to the end without having to break contact with him. I want to be his friend, I promissed to him and to myself that I'll always be there for him as a friend, and even if it doesnt matter alot to him, I'd be heartless and hate myself if I just sent him to hell. He might have some issues but he's a human being too. I'll just give time to myself to put my feelings and thoughts in order.
What scares me the most, it's not first time when I've been thinking like that after a whole day of trying to convince myself that I was doing the right thing, but as insane as it sounds, when I wake up in the morning my feelings are fully back, stronger than ever, and I end up clinging on him againwhile he hurts me over and over again and then acts like the only one guilty is me. Maybe tomorrow wont be the same...
As I said, even though maybe it sounds silly to some of you, I feel like a recovering addict myself. I'm feeling empty and I'm craving for those butterflies in my stomach everytime I saw him loggin in or randomly saying hi, or only seeing his name on my screen.. something is missing, a part of me is fading away but I know this is the right thing to do and I know that I wont be missing all the pain he has caused me.
And a thing I want to clarify, why I'm always stuck here at computer, well my health issues dont allow me to go out alot, this will only happen when I start university, that will be in 1 month and then I will try to stay far from computer as much as I can. I do admit, I'm a codependent, I just found out today, and I will surely read more about it and how to deal with it. I wasnt like this before, I dont have anyone in my family with alcohol/drugs issues, I guess it all came from this guy.. sadly.. I had changed so much and I'm not happy with it
Thank you all again, I'll still come here and update about how things are goin on, wish me goodluck and pray I have enough strenght to not give in to my feelings, like I've been doing the last ~1 year.
3 a.m. again and I'm sleepless, zombie-ing on internet, I guess I'll have to try and go back to a normal sleeping schedule soon too.. at least tonight I dont feel like crying over him anymore and I hope those nights are over.
*big hug*
~D.