Thank you all so much for your replies, I've been thinking alot before posting, I was afraid no one would understand me because it's all online stuff, but I'm happy I could get some support
Alot of the things said here run through my mind every day, I am fully aware of what is goin on and how wrong it is, but there are times when I really feel like I should fly to him and be with him.. but ofcourse that would lead to disaster.
And about the trusting issue.. probably one of the things that made me get so cloe to him, he seemed to be so honest and open to me, unlike others. He has told me things that I'm pretty sure others wouldnt dare telling. What is really weird about me, I never reacted to things like for example when he told me he has been in jail... most of them I know they are not made up, they were on that forum I found, and he had no reason to make up same thing there, only that I found some shocking extra details I didnt want to know.
At that time, my biggest wish was that someone erased my memory, i just wanted to forget what i saw there, but later on I realised that I would of never understood why he's acting so weird if I didnt know. I havent checked forums since then, but I think I'll gather some strenght soon and re-read those posts and then come back here and read things related, maybe it will make it easier to find a solution. One thing I do remember from last year, while he was really high and couldnt make sense, he said several times "can't function without".. now I understand what he meant
I've tried to stay away from him before, it just seems impossible and makes me feel dead on the inside.. he's one of the few people that can make me smile.. or well could, as lately he has been acting awful towards me, I guess he's trying to kill my feelings too. I dont know if he really doesnt want to hurt me if my feelings go deeper (thought I dont know how much deeper they could go) or it's just him. I've made the huge mistake of asking him if he thinks we could ever become more than friends, which scared him really bad. He confused me and I've lost control.
I know you're probably wondering what was in my head when I asked that, knowing all those things about him, but most of the time when I'm with him I forget COMPLETLY about his issues, it's like I have no more control over my thoughts and reactions. Quite scary, I feel like I'm losing my mind, though most of the time all i can think is "oh god he's stoned again". Stoned and on oxy, but he only tells about being stoned, and I can tell from the way he's acting and typing.
He's killing me when I'm talking to him and he keeps being confused over really simple things, he can't focus on anything, I feel like talking to a wall and then he screams at me like it's my fault. But I guess these things are normal..
Right now, I'm trying to spend as little time with him as possible, which is not very hard, usually he's sleeping when I'm awake (if he sleeps... looks like oxy makes him stay awake for days sometimes) and maybe this will start fading away.
I'm sorry for huge posts with useless details, I just dont know what and who to tell anymore, I'm feeling so alone and I feel like no one is understanding what i'm goin through.. and worse of all, i dont know how I'm goin to put an end to it without having to break contact with him forever, because that is the last thing I want to do..
Thank you all once again, I guess I'll read more of this forum, I've read alot about oxy and opiates after I found out about him, but I still dont know how to deal with it.. I hope I'll find the best way soon
*hugs everyone*
~D