Hello everyone
My story might seem a bit strange to most of you, as not everyone has experienced online romance.. but I’m one of the unlucky girls who fell inlove with someone met over the internet.. for those who think this is absurd, please have a bit of understanding as I used to laugh too at people having depressions over people they had never met in real life.
We met in an online game 2 years ago, when I had a boyfriend already. We became friends quickly, and I felt a weird attraction towards him since the very beginning. After 1 year my relationship started to go south and I slowly started to fall for this guy I met online, let’s call him X (don’t want to give any names). He was so much different than the other people I had met online, he was respectful with girls and so sweet and kind, helping everyone. Also felt kindof mysterious all the time, and I think that made me feel even more attracted to him. I knew he had problems with girls he met online before, so I haven’t tried anything, but I did let him know I had a “crush” (at that time heh) on him, but I was still glued to my boyfriend (now ex, but that’s another story) so I just told him that maybe if I tell him it will go away.. silly way of thinking but the bad part is that instead of fading away my feelings became stronger and stronger, really scary.
Only few days after we became “close friends” and we started chatting on MSN *after I told him about my c”crush”), one night I tried to talk to him but all I got was senseless words, he couldn’t type anything correctly and I thought he was just really really drunk. The morning after I talked to him and he said he was feeling very ill because of his medication he said he was taking, Oxycontin. He said it’s a very strong painkiller. Later on I found out he had some bad pain because of some surgery he had.. Made me really sad, such a nice person having such bad health issues.
In only few weeks he became centre of my whole world, I lived and breathed for him, still playing online games with him, but we were only close friends and nothing more. My night became daytime (11 hours or so timezone difference), I skipped meals while he was playing at night so I could spend time with him. But one thing that is still giving me nightmares is that sometimes he would act really strange, falling asleep, talking nonsense or saying hes feeling very sick. I knew he was smoking weed sometimes but weed shouldn’t make people behave like that. He always blamed his medication and I remember once I almost tried to call an ambulance for him cause he couldn’t see anymore.. and I live on the other side of the world.
This only lasted few months, as I don’t see this happening a lot anymore, but for few months he was doing this a lot and it was very scary, and I felt so useless because all I could do was watching him acting weird on MSN..
I had to quit games for a while so all I talked to him was about once in a week on MSN, regular stuff as “how are you?”, nothing much. I had some really bad exams coming so I decided to totally take a break from internet as all I had in my head were my short conversations with him and watching MSN all the time to see when he’s answering to my messages. Few days after I decided to take this break I accidentally found him on google posting on a drugs-related forum. I was looking for one of the names he usually uses in games to find something else, but I ran into this. For a second I thought maybe its not him but I knew about all the weed so curiosity pushed me to look through his posts.
That was probably my last day of peaceful mind, as what I saw there blew me away. I found out he’s an addict, now using Oxycontin, taking it from his doctor as medicine. As he said there, he started with heroin over 15 years ago, and now he’s been uising oxy for 10 years, sometimes mixes them with benzoates and weed. I was totally devastated, as I knew for sure 100% it was him. More awful things came from that forum but I wont get into this, it’s tearing up my mind only when I think of it. I blindly fell inlove with a drug addict that is not able to have any feelings when hes not on opiates. He admitted himself and I feel like I fell for someone who doesn’t exist at all. I know how dangerous oxy addiction is and I fear for him every day.
Now I can tell when he’s sober and it’s like 2 people in one body. Totally different, and without a heart. His mood also swings a lot, so he confuses me, going from all lovely to pushing me away violently and making me cry. Few months ago he wanted us to break contact as he has big emotional issues when it comes to girls, and he knew about my feelings. We became close lately at that time and something triggered suddenly and he blocked my MSN and chased me away from the game we played
I was completely wrecked, stayed in bed for a week, didn’t eat or sleep, cried all the time as he said it is better for both of us not to talk anymore. One month later he unblocked me
and said he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend and I accepted to be around him only as a friend. At that time I didn’t know about his drugs problems, but he brought up stuff from his past he didn’t want to talk about when he said why he acts like this when he starts to get feelings for a girl, so he automatically blocks those feeings without realizing. In other words, he is not able to feel love at all
I don’t know what to do now, I’m still in contact with him but I never told him I know about that forum and I dont dare making him talk about this, as he has some really bad reactions and I’m afraid ill push him away even further. But at the same time I feel like I’m not doing anything for him, even though I don’t know if I can help him in any way. He’s very stubborn he wouldn’t even listen to me if I talked to him about rehab. I cant do anything from here and I’m afraid if I fly to him things will go awfully wrong. I don’t have the money either, maybe if I had I’d be insane enough to visit him and see whats there to do. But I cant do absolutely anything from MSN and games… I love him more than life, its killing me knowing he’s destroying himself and I cant even talk to him about it and tell him Im here to talk to him about this at any time. He will think im stalking him if I said I found that forum, I don’t know how to bring it up. I know he would feel miserable if he knew I saw all those things, and I don’t want this to happen.
I want so bad to have a relationship with him, I want to fly to him and move there but as soon as reality strikes and I remember he’s addicted and he doesn’t even have a job an cant get one, and all his issues, I get cold chills and I realize it would be impossible anyway. If he goes to rehab he wont be the person I fell inlove with, as that person only exists on opiates. Rest of the time he’s grumpy and sarcastic, heartless… I would like to know experiences from others, how them or loved ones acted while on drugs/sober
I still want to go to his country and try to at least be his friend and do something, but I really don’t know and I don’t know if its worth. I cry almost every night thinking of this and cant find a realist solution to it.
I promised to him and to myself that I’ll never let him down no matter what happens, as a friend or whatever he wants me to be to him, I know he needs me even if he never says it. He doesn’t have a lot of people he can talk to openly as he does to me sometimes and I feel like his real life friends are addicts too most of them.
I cant take this anymore and I don’t know what to do for him. I’m dying slowly on the inside and cant tell anything to anyone.. told some close friends and they said I’m insane for even talking to him, but I know hes a good person, he just had an awful past..
I’m sorry if my post jumped from one thing to another, I’m pretty tired and it’s hard for me to type these things, I don’t even know what I said and what more I wanted to say… please have understanding, even if it’s all an online thing, my feelings for him are real and theyre draining the life out of me. I don’t know what to do anymore…
Thank you for reading, replies would be very much appreciated
