I can identify with so much of what you wrote.
It was hard for me to discover that I was emotionally immature. I had not learned the art of caring for myself. So, I thought if I drank, and took care of all of my responsibilities as mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, executive that made it ok.
I could reward myself with the prize of escaping, Hurray for me!
Unfortunately though, as time went on, the price I paid for what turned out to be the illusion of escaping was too great.
I feel what I feel, good or bad, and that is ok.
I am not perfect, but, I am trying my best, and that is ok.
My children have a sober parent, and that in itself is the most important choice I have made as their mother.
Hang in there.