EJ I have been where you are at right now many times. About 10 years before I REALLY quit I would quit drinking for set periods of time..... funny thing is if I recall correctly it was for a month the first time, it started off very hard at first, but then I would reach that 2 week point and just kept counting down the days until that 30 day commitment was over.... you see it was actually fairly easy looking back on it. I KNEW I was going to drink again so I could handle it, I could MAN UP knowing that my reward, my escape was coming soon!!!!
Oh I would commit myself when that 30 days was up "I am going to control it this time and drink like other people, one or two every couple of days." Well failry quickly that one or tow every few days became more and more and eventually I was right back where I had left off at and even worse.
I kept repeating that cycle, the big difference was that the one month commitment to prove to myself I had control changed to 2 weeks, then to one week, then to a few days, every time I would think "I got it this time!" and I didn't!
I kept this up until I was physically and mentally addicted to alcohol.
When I quit the final time I had finally learned that as we say in AA "Alcohol was but a symptom of my problem!".
As you are seeing by simply not drinking you are the exact same person you were before you quit!
When I quit that was all I ever did, was quit drinking, I never changed anything about me and who I was. I still had all of the resentments, fears, self centeredness and monster ego going on along with the problems of day to day life that I did not know how to deal with unless I drank!
For me the solution was the program of AA and the fellowship of AA helping me work the program as I help others work thier program. The program of AA has led me to be able to let go of my resentments & fears, it has helped me learn how to deal with guilt and shame through a process of making amends when needed, it has allowed me to become a much better person and be comfortable in my own skin with out a need to escape the world.
Thanks to the program and fellowship of AA I live a good life, one that does have a solution for life, a solution that is so good that even the idea of a drink as a solution for any thing is gone.
I know you are in a "Position" where you are concerned about "Others" knowing you may have a problem. Did you know there are AA meetings on the hill EVERY DAY!!!!! Very few people do know that, these are not "Published" meetings, but they are heavily attended by "People in VERY high places."
Do you know who attends these meetings? I don't and I am in AA, the press doesn't, the main reason is because beleive it or not the press respects the anonymity of AA every bit as much as the members of AA do.
Would you rather word get out that you were "Drunk" or that you attended AA?
Would you think less of some one if you heard they were drunk at a Washington social function then you would to be surprised to learn that some one you had known for years in a high position or married to someone in a high position was in AA?
I know I am an alcoholic, I know that if I simply did not drink I would not have a solution because for many years I knew only one real solution to life and that was to drink to escape life..... today I know that is not a solution, it is a problem.
I have found a solution, a solution that works, that solution allows me to look the world in the eye and hold my head high, it allows me to be comfortable in my own sking and not having a drink in my hand.